Sunday, March 15, 2009

take this longing from my tongue

Just take this longing from my tongue
all the lonely things my hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love.

the cullens. what an extraordinary set of people. the volturi, myself included, paid a visit to them this weekend. the last time i have seen them the circumstances were much different and much less pleasant. that was also the first time i had been in forks. and the first time i had seen isabella since she "rescued" edward from us in italy. bella has always been and will always be a threat to me. i was there the first time aro met her. i saw the look on his face when he realized jane could not touch her. and even without his gift of reading minds, i saw what he was thinking. no longer would i be the chosen one, the precious one, the needed one. if bella were to ever join our ranks, my position would be shared, if not dramatically decreased. aro has always had the muscle to back up his rulings. i am simply the safety net. he has never had the mental security however, that bella possesses. i have no doubt that he would trade the two of us if ever given the chance. despite all this, i do not hate bella. at one time i did, but now i wonder if it would be so bad to be less needed, less wanted. i hope isabella realizes how wonderfully lucky she is, what an amazing family she has, both mortal and immortal.
i have nearly forgotten what that kind of family is like, although i'm not sure my mortal family was ever a true family. we seemed to be more like a group of people who just happened to get along well enough to live together and help each other out. and so i find a bitter taste in mouth, one that i have not known before. it is envy. this is my confession. i long for that which the cullens share, that which i have never known, that which i may never have.

Listening to: Leonard Cohen - Take This Longing