Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Had some stars in her eyes, thought she would have it all

The beauty queen and the wallflower
Feel the same in their darkest hours
All watch as the crown of jewels
Falls from the old guard tower

Apparently my life is back to normal. Or whatever version of normal this life mimics, anyway. I received my daily summons at the usual time. As I wander the halls and corridors, however, I see the looks coming from those I count as my family and dearest friends. Most of them look on me with pity, some contempt, and yet others still give me smug smiles. I guess I had this coming. I've known since the beginning what I was to Aro. I was the crowning jewel in his collection of oddities. I was the last line of defense, I was the one who would stand when others had fallen, I was the one who would never waver. I knew all of this and I reveled in every moment of my favored status. I know the favoritism that Aro showed me irked and confused more than one member of the Volturi, but eventually they all moved past it. I have always been very possessive of my position but I never had a need to defend it. Now I finally understand why that is. It's true, that as the most precious I am given the most attention, but when one is constantly at the center of attention, one most never show the slightest defect. Just like a jewel atop a queen's head I was daily examined by Aro for any signs that I might be unhappy, that I might leave, that I might betray him. His worries always came to naught, until recently. Imagine, going over 400 years without ever having that rebellious streak so characteristic of teenagers now. And now I am rebelling with a vengeance. I'm sure Aro is at a loss with what to do with me. I am at a loss to explain myself. In all of my mortal and immortal existence I have always been the good child, the obedient one, the one always willing to do as her parents and her God commanded. And now I can barely control my own thoughts, let alone have anyone else tell me what to think. I was raised so high and now the fall has almost killed me.
Perhaps I was wrong about all of it. Perhaps there is nothing more past this life. Perhaps there is no greater plan for me. Or maybe that plan included me living a normal, human life and dying as a human, but with the Volturi's intervention that plan has been obliterated. I remember fondly the conversations I once had with Carlisle during his brief stay with us. He, too, came from a background steeped in the faith of his fathers. He is truly the only who has ever truly understood the moral dilemma I face on a daily basis. As a daughter, I was taught to honor my father and mother, and yet I was also taught not to take the life of another human. Yet now in order to obey my father, I must take lives, I must shed blood, and in order to survive I must drink that innocent blood. And now I stand at a crossroads. One path will take me to freedom and disobedience, the other leads to bondage and family. How can anyone make such a choice?

Listening to: Bruce Hornsby - Crown of Jewels