Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I've waited so long to say this to you

Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me

It's done.

We were gone and back before anyone missed us. It's not exactly how I would've wanted it, but in light of recent events, I'd rather not force Corin through the hoopla of a big wedding. Maybe when things get back to normal (will they ever be normal?) I can have the wedding of my dreams. For right now, though, a courthouse will suffice.

I'm still not telling anyone. If they find out, if they notice the bands on our hands, fine. But I refuse to make a big deal of it. I don't exactly want to explain why my hand was...not forced, but why my mind was persuaded to choose this path. I admit, it's because of Corin and her. After seeing Corin ripped apart like that, I wanted to bind Santiago to me in every way possible, and I wanted to bind myself to him. I went home after my shift had finished and just laid beside him fo a few hours before getting up the courage to tell him what I wanted. He was surprised, but not too badly. He knows my personality well enough by now, he knows that I would go from the extreme of unhappiness to what I think the most extreme end of happiness should be.

Here we are, husband and wife, although I've already failed him there. I can't bring myself to be his wife in the truest sense of the word, not with the heaviness weighing down my heart. But at least the ties are there. I only hope they are ones that can never be broken.

Listening to: 98 Degrees - I Do (Cherish You)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Now I know I can't love anyone but you

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

Home, sweet home. I greatly enjoyed my time with both the Cullens and Siobhan, but there is nothing like my home country and being surrounded by my family. This was actually the first time I've left Volterra for any length of time without at least one family member with me. But sometimes we need to leave home and our loved ones to realize just how much we need them. My cell was flooded daily with texts and calls and IMs and tweets and e-mails and anything else you can imagine asking me how I was and when I was coming home. They all missed me, even Felix, although I doubt he'll admit it.
There were a few unexpected things waiting for me at home, however. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I rushed to get to a meeting with Felix and Marcus concerning Beth's training. Apparently there had been some sort of misunderstanding between Marcus and Beth earlier that I'm still trying to clear up. After our meeting, Felix told me he that he's leaving today to go to Spain. He won't give me a good reason, just something about needing a break and wanting to check on his house there. I know that's bull because Felix never takes a break unless Marcus, Aro or Caius orders him to. So now I'm trying to get to the bottom of that matter. Then when planning the wedding with Mary she seems in more of a hurry than before to try and get everything taken care of. Again, she refuses to give me a decent reason. It's like she's not planning on being here until the wedding actually takes place. I feel as though everyone is keeping a secret from me. I'll find out sooner or later, though. I always do.
And then there came the biggest surprise of all. Dearest Santiago, my heart, my soul. I always celebrate my mortal birthday towards the beginning of May. I usually wait for the white lilies in the garden to be in bloom, but this year I was away when the finally bloomed. This is the first time it's happened. When I finally got a chance to get back to my own home, after meetings and whatnot, I walked into my house to find it drowning in white lilies. I could barely see the floors and couldn't see the walls at all. It was absolutely breathtaking and it smelled so wonderful. And there was Santiago, standing in the midst of it, looking at me as if I was the most precious thing in the entire world. As I ran to embrace him, he handed me a single, perfect white lily. I inhaled its scent deeply and then noticed it, that very not flower little thing in the middle of its petals. I was so shocked and confused. As I looked at Santiago with questions in my eyes, he took it and slipped it onto the chain around my neck, where it now hangs next to my cross. Then he kissed me gently and simply said "Just think about it. I don't need an answer anytime soon." So now I have a lot of thinking to do. First thing, however, I need to get a longer chain for my cross. Before, the cross was much easier to hide under my robes because it was flat but with this new addition, well, it may stick out a bit too much. I don't plan on telling anyone as of yet, although I know Aro will know soon enough. But I don't need the pressure and prying questions from anyone else. For now, this is a secret that I will literally keep close to my heart.

Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone

Friday, May 1, 2009

the best days of my life

Can't take away those times
We stayed up and we talked all night

Chain smoking cigarettes and
Three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together

Holding your body close to mine .

i'm almost afraid to say that i'm content after the fiasco that ensued the last time i wrote those words. but i think i'm fairly safe to say them now. there was a bizarre incident that resulted in the vamp-napping of mary, and the near death of both her and me, but things are slowly returning to normal. even felix and corin have repaired their relationship. this in and of itself is enough to make me ecstatic, but we've had other wonderful developments the past few days. mary and corin are now engaged to be married (and who cares if she proposed to him, at least it's happening!) and we have a new sister in the volturi, bethan pyrs. i'm still recovering from the loss of chelsea, but gaining two new sisters has certainly helped the healing process.
i spent a little over the past day in ireland visiting siobhan and her coven and now we are on our way to forks, washington to visit the cullens as well as the denali coven. i am very excited, especially to see little nessa again. i'm afraid i filled one of my coach trunks completely full with just clothing and presents for her. i know the dear girl grows so quickly, i figured she might as well be dressed stylishly while doing so. now i just hope that nothing happens at home while i'm gone, although i'll be worrying every second of every day until i have returned.

Listening to: Matt White - Best Days