Monday, March 16, 2009

i wish you could heal me

she wakes up, rage and grace
pulling me closer, pushing away
and me, the sharpest thorn on your vine
twisting and turning, we're all intertwined

i said there would be hell to pay. and i was right. oh how i wish i had been wrong. it started early this morning, before the sun had risen. i had taken a red-eye back to italy and had managed to get back into the safetey of the palazzo del priori before the sun could reveal me for what i am. it was quiet but then it usually is quiet in the palazzo while the sun is hidden, for that's when my brothers and sisters go out and play. still, there was an eerie sort of silence blanketing my home. as i walked through the castle, luggage in tow, i passed through the throne room on the way to my wing. and there i found aro, with jane and felix by his side. i immediately noticed several things odd with this arrangement, as i dropped my suitcases and ran to pay my respects to my master. firstly, jane and felix would never opt to be alone in the same room together as they have a mutual hatred for each other. secondly, a situation that required the two most dangerous members of our coven would surely require the presences of caius and marcus as well. and lastly, if there was a situation in which aro felt the need to be protected, i, too, would have been notified.
as i greeted each of them with a nod of the head, i noticed then what i had missed before. i saw the conflict raging in jane's eyes, i saw the barely concealed smirk on felix's face, and i saw the false pity on aro's. i had seen that expression on aro many times, but never directed at me. it was usually the look he wore when deciding that a particular newborn was too difficult to continue to exist. i immediately recognized what was happening here. i raised my head, pushed my shoulders back, and waited for the inevitable. as aro began speaking, i tuned him out and instead concentrated on my foster sister. i heard aro saying something about felix and jane worrying about me, needing to be reminded of where i belong and who i am, something more about how much this pained him. but i didn't hear much. as misunderstood as jane could be, i loved her dearly. she and alec were like my own sisters and brothers that i had lost so long ago. jane reminds me so much of caprice and alec has the same disposition as giovanni. despite the fact that they have technically seen more years than i have, i lived more of mine as a mortal, and so i am like an older sister to them. therefore it pained me to watch my baby sister agonizing over what was to come next. i knew what her choice would ultimately be. all the volturi would make the same choice in the end. and so i decided to spare her what misery i could.
i heard aro saying something about leaving the three of us alone to "talk" and then he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. felix no longer bothered to conceal his grin. he waited for jane to make her move, for he wouldn't be able to get anywhere near me without me first rendered helpless by jane's power. i saw jane glance from me to the door that aro had exited from and back to me. in that second that she hesitated, i seized my opportunity. i had felt jane's power before, when i was a newborn, so i knew fairly well how to act. as i dropped to the floor in pretend pain, i saw the shock cross jane's face, and then understanding, and lastly gratefulness. it surprised me how little time felix wasted once he decided i could no longer block him. it took every ounce of self control i had to continue writhing as if in pain and refrain my natural reflex to shield myself. it felt like hours later that felix finally left, although i'm sure it was only minutes. he has a notoriously short attention span, and it's worsened when his prey does not fight back.
somehow i was still intact, although just barely. i lay facedown on the cold stone floor until i felt myself mentally and physically ready to move. i picked myself up, grabbed my suitcases, and started walking towards my favorite turret. as i climbed the stairs, i heard a set of dainty footsteps behind me. i spun around, automatically on the defensive, until i saw my dear jane. if i have a heart, it was surely broken at the sight of her crestfallen face. i saw the apology written in her eyes, and the anguish that had racked her small body. i gave her a small smile, cupped her face in my hands, kissed her on the forehead and told her "there is nothing for me to forgive. remove this burden from your shoulders." she smiled back at me and continued to follow as i found my way back to the corner of the palazzo that is my sanctuary. here i sit typing this, with my dear little sister watching me faithfully. and so i have learned firsthand that which i always knew. there is a good reason why so few people have ever wanted to leave the volturi, and even fewer have managed to do so successfully.

Listening to: Offspring - Fix You