Monday, March 16, 2009

i know i should step away, turn around

'Cause I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
'Cause you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground

this morning i watched the sunrise at the edge of the world. it actually turned out to just be cabo san lucas, but it was still a nice sentiment. after a day with my extended family, which turned out to be many of the volturi, the cullens, quite a few nomads, werewolves, and even some humans, i needed some time by myself. as much as i love all of them, i tend to go a little bit insane when surrounded by so many people. and so i took off down the coast, driving until i ran out of gas and then running until i reached somewhere surrounded by water. i have quite enjoyed this taste of freedom. i know there will be hell to pay as soon as i return to italy, but until then i shall savor every single moment.
so what was i thinking of as i watched the sun come up over the water? mainly nothing. i was just giving my mind, body and soul a chance to rest and prepare for the onslaught of people and activity that is sure to be waiting for me back home. the little i did think about involved that which i try at all costs to avoid. it comes down to this: i love my family with all my heart but i have gone over 400 years without a soulmate, a kindred spirit. being around the cullens and their friends is always trying for me. esme and carlisle, rosalie and emmett, jasper and alice, edward and bella, even little renesmee has jacob. my loneliness is really my own fault, however. i have always let it be widely known that i am not interested in a romantic relationship. as a mortal i made the choice to forsake the love of mortal men. my husband was to be my God. but i made a different sort of change so i never made that commitment. my commitment is now to the volturi. my spouse is my duty to them. yet none of the other volturi have felt compelled to live this life of abstinence. i'm fairly certain heidi has seduced more than enough men for the both of us. felix, too, has been known to "play" with his food. so why did i make this choice? in all honesty, i do not know. and so my running and my search for answers will continue.

Listening to: Evermore - Running