Friday, April 24, 2009

I ignore the ice cold stare

So just where the hell did it all go wrong?
Buried deep within this stupid song
Are the feelings that no words could say
When best friends become enemies

considering felix and i have had some pretty epic twitter fights (and even more off of twitter) i felt i should take the opportunity to explain our relationship, especially after some of the comments people made. and even more so after some of the more....disturbing suggestions about the true nature of our relationship *shudders*
i better start with a little bit of history. felix and i were turned within a few years of each other and we were both brought to the volturi while still in our newborn years. we were taught how to fight together and were each other's sparring partners. felix is also the reason that i found the true strength of my shield. when i very first saw felix he scared me half to death. mind you, i was still a naive girl just pulled from the convent. as he walked up to me, merely to introduce himself i panicked and everyone within a 20 foot radius suddenly forgot where they were and what they were doing. he still thinks it's hilarious how frightened i was, but if i hadn't been it would've taken me much longer to build up the strength of my shield. so as we learned to fight and how to perform our various guard duties, felix and i also learned each other's fighting strategies. after centuries of seeing battle after battle together, i can now predict what he will do before he's even thought to do it, and vice versa. i provide the defense and felix is the deadly offense. it is a rare occurrence when an enemy takes the two of us by surprise. still, it has happened in the past. i am always there to shield felix and have saved him before, but he too has saved me. on the downside of this, when we fight it means we know each other's weaknesses and can cause quite a bit of damage to each other. luckily our tempers have cooled just enough over the centuries that we're no longer in danger of killing each other. not to mention that the other guard members quickly learned to step in when we start going too far.
even though we have learned enough restraint to prevent murder, it doesn't mean that we don't fight just as furiously as we ever have. i don't want you to read this and get the idea that everything between us is rainbows and butterflies. it most definitely is not. being around each other this long means that felix knows exactly what to say to make me fly off the handle in a matter of seconds. he can take my calm, happy mood and turn it to rage in the blink of an eye. of course, i can do the same for him. of course, i don't enjoy causing fights nearly as much as he does, but sometimes it's nice to have someone you can just scream at when you're having a bad day.
another source of our constant conflict is the rivalry between felix and myself. besides always trying to prove who is actually the best looking of the volturi (myself, of course) felix and i both have an insatiable need to be the best. i get extremely jealous when he receives praise and i am overlooked. i believe this stems back to my inner feud with my elder brother luzio. luzio was the child who could do no wrong and i was expected to be his servant. he never appreciated me and took me for granted. sometimes i feel as though felix is the exact same as luzio. i feel as though he doesn't truly realize just how valuable i am and how quickly things would fall apart without me. of course, i'm sure he feels the same of me. and i do take him for granted often. it's hard not to when on a day to day basis all i see of him is his annoying, abrasive, rude side.
however, he does have his rare moments when i remember why i've kept him around all these years. it comes out at the times i need him most, and every now and then it happens randomly. you see, even though felix is my exact opposite, this also means that he has qualities that i'm missing. one of those being the ability to properly control my emotions. i tend to experience emotions in the extremes, including extreme sorrow and depression. when i start falling down into the depths of my despair, felix remains the only one who can pull me out. not even santiago knows me well enough to do so on his own. i can't tell you how he does it, otherwise i'd be able to take care of myself, but somehow felix knows exactly what to say, how to say it and how to comfort me. he also always knows where to find me. usually after one of our fights i'll take off to one of my dozens of hiding places across volterra. felix knows where each one of them is. but he doesn't invade my privacy. instead, he knows exactly how long to give me to cool off before he comes to find me so that we may make amends. believe it or not, sometimes we'll just spend a few hours wherever i'm hiding out talking after we've made up. it doesn't happen frequently, but we do care about each other as siblings and like to know what's going on in the other's life. likewise, i'm there for felix when his temper gets the best of him and it threatens to go entirely out of control. for over 400 years i've allowed felix to use me as more or less of an emotional punching bag, mainly because i can take it better and still bounce back afterwards. as he puts it, "She remains the only person who can calm me down by a touch of her hand and the only person who can piss me off with one look." i can usually make him laugh off his anger. and i know each of the insecurities that flares his temper. although i'll never say it out loud, it's almost like felix and i were destined to find each other. neither of us would have made it very far without the other. basically, without my brother i'd be an emotional train-wreck of a half-person. but you won't hear me saying that.

Listening to: Against All Authority - Best Enemy

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

are you happy out there in this great wide world?

I'm writing to you,
not to tell you that I still hate you.
Just to ask you how you feel
and how we fell apart,
how this fell apart.

i thank god that my darling corin came home to me last night. but in the same breath i curse Him for taking cor away just as quickly. corin came home only to tell us all that he was leaving once more. it seems as though this business with mary has affected him in a much different way than any of us thought. it seems as though she has made him question his place here with us. he has gone off somewhere unbeknownst to me to figure things out. i understand as it was not all that long ago that i too questioned what i was. but it does not lessen the pain any at not seeing his smile and hearing his laughter every day. however i was determined to bear it as best i could. i know that this is what will make corin happy and in turn i will be happy. i could have born it. had it not been for demetri.
only hours after corin had said his final good-byes i received word that demetri, who i believed to still be at my home resting and nursing back to health had taken off. no, not just left. he abandoned us. he is now somewhere in the U.S. and is apparently trying for a vegetarian lifestyle. why he couldn't have done so here is beyond my understanding. but i received a call from carlisle telling me that dem had been in contact with him. it seems as though dem has left us to try and find a home with the cullens. i am completely confused as to why he has been driven from us. and why the cullens? he barely knows them. even i would not look for a new home there, if i were ever foolish enough to leave. is our family truly this hard to stand? i know i can be melodramatic and felix can be rude and santiago can be aloof, but really? the cullens are no closer to perfection than we are, as is proof of their drama this past week. but i know who has been hit hardest by this loss - felix. felix and demetri were extremely close. the two of them would spend days in that garage and not surface until they had built and rebuilt every machine in there. felix will never admit to being hurt by this, but i know him much better than that. i know he will take it as a personal attack by demetri taking off without so much as a farewell note.
and so our numbers continue to dwindle. first the death of chelsea after her supposed suicide in la push. then corin and now demetri. i'm at my wits end. i have spent the better part of the day comatose and was only awoken by the combined efforts of felix and santiago. poor santiago still doesn't know how to handle my moods, but felix does and so the brunt of my emotional mess was laid at his feet. few would know it to look at him but felix can pick up my broken mental pieces better than anyone else. if only he could find his mate so that the favor could be returned. and a mate for felix would mean a new sister for me. perhaps one who could replace chelsea in my heart.
somehow i have failed in my duty as guardian of my family. i was always on the lookout for outside enemies when i should have looked within. i have failed them terribly and now we are shattered. each time i pick up a broken piece to put it back together, it just crumbles again into even more pieces. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm nearing the point of no longer caring. i am more or less on autopilot, just doing as i'm told, going about my daily business. i'm even having a hard time finding the will to care about my remaining family members, for fear that they'll leave me, too. but i will never leave. even if i am the last one standing in the pile of rubble that is volterra, i will not leave. i have learned that this is where i'm needed and this is where i belong. hopefully my brothers will learn that soon, as well.

Listening to: Good Charlotte - Emotionaless

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

you walk a lonely road, oh how far you are from home

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Oh Lord, bring my brother home to me. Bring him home to me in one piece. Remove the guilt and the blood from his head and hands. Forgive him of his sins and let him know he is loved. As I kneel in this ancient cathedral, the images of happier times run through my head like home movies. I can remember every smile, every laugh. Please do not let them be taken from me so soon. Take me in his place if you must, but do not let such an angel leave this earth. There has never existed a soul so kind or good as that of Corin. He has always been my sunshine on my darkest days, the darling and the sweetheart of all my brethren. He deserves happiness. Please let him find it.

God of all consolation,
in your unending love and mercy for us,
you turn the darkness of death into the dawn of new life.
Show compassion to your people in sorrow.
Be our refuge and our strength to lift us
from the darkness of this grief
to peace and joy in your presence.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord.

Listening to: Enya - May It Be

Friday, April 17, 2009

You're condemned to me

So don't ever go away
And never put aside
The things I'm gonna say
Cause these are the rules for us

It seems that there are a large number of vampires out there who have forgotten that the Volturi are the ruling body of our world and there are laws that we expect those we govern to obey. Break these laws and the consequences are severe. We do not hesitate to kill those who cross us.

Volturian Laws

These laws apply to the entire vampire community, whether currently residing in Volterra, Italy or other parts of the world. Each law and every future law will be discussed and agreed upon by Aro, Marcus and Caius. Any violation of the following laws will result in a punishment to be decided upon by Aro, Marcus and Caius at their discretion. Said punishment will then be enforced by members of the Volturi Guard.

1) No vampire may perform any act by which their true identity will become known to humankind. This includes but is not limited to: stepping into the sunlight in public, feeding in public, demonstrating ones speed or strength in a way which arouses suspicion.

a) Vampires may discuss the affairs of our world with one another on the social networking site Twitter with the understanding that, while humans may read this commentary, no information may be directly revealed to a human. However they may not purposely expose the existence of vampires to any human.

b) All vampires are also required to keep the existence of Quileute shape-shifters and werewolves from the knowledge of humankind.

2) If a human becomes aware of the existence of vampires, they must either be turned themselves or be killed.

a) The only exception to this rule is for the members of the Quileute Nation. However, they too are required to keep the existence of vampires from the knowledge of humankind.

3) No vampire may enter into a treaty with a werewolf, otherwise known as children of the moon.

a) Quileute shape-shifters are exempt from this law, as pertaining to their treaty with the vampires of the Olympic Coven.

4) The creation of immortal children will result in the death of both the child and the creator.

a) The intentional creation of half-vampire half-human children will be examined on a case-by-case basis. If the creation of such children is proven to be accidental, the creators will not face any negative repercussions.

5) It is forbidden to create an army of newborn vampires in an attempt to claim or defend a territory.

a) Creation of such an army will result in the eradication of every newborn as well as the creator(s).

6) Harming or attempting to harm a member of the Volturi Guard, whether accidental or intentional, will result in immediate death.

7) Hunting within the city limits of Volterra is strictly forbidden, whether of animals or humans.

8) All wolves, shape-shifter or otherwise, are forbidden from entering Volterra under any circumstances.

9) Allegiances with the Romanian coven will not be tolerated. They and their allies are banished forever from Volterra.

10) Members of the Volturi Guard will face severe punishment for insubordination. This may include death, depending on the severity of the situation.

These laws and their respective punishments may be amended at any time as deemed necessary by the Volturi. Aro, Marcus and Caius also reserve the right to make any exceptions as they feel are required.

Listening to: Shakira - Rules

Monday, April 13, 2009

I'm gonna take you in my arms and fly away

You're looking for somewhere to belong
You're standing all alone
for someone to guide you on your way
Now and Forever

i am content. for the first time in over a century, i say those words with complete honesty. i am done fighting myself and my place in this world. at least for now. i have all that i could want: a wonderful man who loves me endlessly, an unbelievably amazing family who i would do anything for, a beautiful house and a fast car, not to mention the collection of shoes. aro is especially pleased with my change in attitude. i know he was beginning to think i would never again be at peace in volterra. he has indulged me so much while i tried to find myself. not to mention what i've put santiago through. aro has officially given us his blessing, although we must now prove that we can still perform our guard duties properly. and so at this point in time, we are not allowed to be on guard duty at the same time. this is wise on aro's part. he knows that eventually our relationship will make us perfectly in sync and an even deadlier team, but until the passion has cooled, we are more of a liability together. we understand this, and so we seem to constantly be missing each other the past few days, but we take what few moments we can catch. i love santiago so much, i swear i can almost hear my heart beat again when i am with him. he has captured my heart for all of eternity.
the other half of my serenity comes from a rather more surprising place. felix and i have finally come to terms and are trying to put our past rivalry behind us. why this change has come about all of a sudden, i'm not sure. i think i just finally saw myself for the brat i was when corin was yelling at me and decided i was done with it. i don't want to be the self-centered, spoiled child anymore. don't get me wrong, i'm still going to annoy him from time to time, and i expect him to do the same. but i'll just give it in moderation. who knows? maybe one day he and i will have a serious conversation. felix is my brother, and we have fought side by side in many battles. he has saved my life before, and i have saved his. why we ever started on this mutual hatred i can't remember, but i'm done with it. he's even made an effort to stop calling me "reni" although now that it's gone i admit i miss it. in the unfortunate event that we are again called into battle together, i believe we will now be even more formidable together. that's a scary thought as we're already the deadliest members of the guard. perhaps word of our new treaty will spread and our enemies will know to fear us even more. ha, felix will enjoy that thought. i'm enjoying being able to call him "brother" and meaning it as more than just a word. now if he can stay alive long enough for me to fully enjoy it, what with him romancing maggie and siobhan about to kill him... but that's their story so i'll let them tell the world. as for me, i'm back to my blissful life.

Listening to: Ace of Base - Beautiful Life

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The green light flashes, the flags go up

They deftly manuver and muscle for rank
Fuels burning fast on an empty tank

Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

whenever the volturi get together in large numbers, it inevitably turns into a competition of some sort. this weekend, it's racing. except we've recruited from outside our ranks this time. in order to make it easier on everyone (ok, mainly just me) to remember who's driving what, i've compiled this list. enjoy!

the cars

driver: santiago ruiz, volturi guard
make/model: pagani zonda cintique

driver: corin legard, volturi guard
make/model: aston martin v8 vantage

driver: renata scutto
make/model: ferrari f430 spider

driver: maggie o' flannagáin, irish coven
make/model: lotus elipse

driver: siobhan o' flannagáin, irish coven
make/model: aston martin db9 coupe

driver: mary bethune, nomad/volturi (not racing, but i still wanted to put it up)
make/model: lotus elise

the bikes

driver: maggie o' flannagáin, irish coven
make/model: ducati superbike 1098 r

driver: felix capra, volturi guard
make/model: indian chief deluxe

driver: bethan pyrs, welsh coven
make/model: bmw k1200rs

gentlemen (and ladies) start your engines!

Listening to: Cake - The Distance

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

just hangin' around then he fell in love

So he said, "Would it be all right
If we just sat and talked for a little while
If in exchange for your time
I give you this smile?"

So she said, "That's okay
As long as you can make a promise
Not to break my little heart
Or leave me all alone in the summer."

all certainly is golden in my sky right now. i can't seem to remember why i was ever afraid to be in a relationship with santiago. everything has been perfect thus far. i know, somewhere deep inside that this can't last forever, the newness will wear off and then where will we be? he'll probably get bored with me or realize that i'm really not what he wants. it would be so easy for him to crush my heart, he's holding it right in his hand. and yet for some odd reason, i'm perfectly at ease. i'm not scared of him leaving and hurting me, although it is very possible. i'm actually pretty surprised that he's stuck around this long. he's usually the one who bears the brunt of my short temper and i know i'm not the easiest person to live with. oh yes, did i mention he's living with me now? he moved his things back into my place and it's like this is where he's always belonged, right by my side. i feel so foolish for torturing myself the past century, turning down his advances and even having aro send him away on assignment after assignment so that i could escape his flirtations. surely God has forgiven me if i have ever offended Him. why else would He send me someone so perfect, allow me to be so happy? unless it's just to set me up for an even greater fall... no, i must not think such things. i have made santiago wait long enough for me, he will surely be faithful to me now. i have forgiven him for his past affairs with other women. i know he thought i would never agree to have him, so he searched for love elsewhere. yet he always failed to find happiness with those other women, and for that i am eternally grateful. although i used to hope that one day he'd find "the one" in my heart of hearts i always knew it would be me one day.
and now i have so much to make up for. i have barely been able to pull myself away from his side, although i admit we are no where near as bad as corin and mary. but i still find myself gazing longingly out windows when he's gone, searching the roads and the woods for any sign of movement that may signal his return. and when i am the one who must leave our home, i am forever impatiently checking my watch and looking for excuses to return to my love. and yet the hardest moments are those when we are on duty together. it's only happened once so far that we were both called into the throne room but i wasn't able to pay any attention whatsoever to what was happening. it took all my willpower to stop myself from staring into santiago's eyes throughout the entire meeting. aro of course knows of our relationship and he approves, he always prefers his guard to find their mates within our coven if at all possible. but santiago and i both still know our places. i pray that there is no need for combat in the coming months and years as i would be torn if ever had to make the choice between protecting santiago, my heart and aro, my master. i hope that as time advances the fire of my passion will be easier to control so that i will maintain my head during such situations. santiago would never want me to fail in my duties to aro, just as i would never want him to do so. but still. when i am wrapped in his arms or pressing his cool lips to mine i know that i could never stand by helplessly and watch him die. i honestly don't know how chelsea and afton have managed to come to terms with all this. but then again, they've had more time and practice.
and what if santiago were to die? what if i failed him but i succeeded in my duty to aro? would i be able to continue my existence? aro would surely never allow me to die, even broken hearted as i would surely be. yet what on this earth would be left for me? santiago tells me i'm silly and not to worry for such a thing will never come to pass. he's right, i'm sure. i have never seen a fighter quite like him. the closest i could imagine would be jasper hale, since both have a military background. and so i try not to bother dearest santi with my silly worries. and yet at night, as i lay silently in his arms absorbing his love through my skin, my mind wanders to the worst case scenarios. and then envisions scenes that are even worse. i am tormented by these nightmares and yet i cannot wake up from them. they stay with me until the first light of dawn and i hear the world stirring. never in my existence have i been more fearful of the night and the shadow terrors it brings. every night the visions come to me on silent wings as twilight fades and the sky turns to black velvet. even my own personal sun, my heart, my dearest love cannot shine brightly enough to chase them away. and so i endure in silence.

Listening to: Panic! at the Disco - When the Day Met the Night

Monday, April 6, 2009


Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

my head is still spinning with the events of the last few days. i'm not completely sure i recognize myself anymore. two days ago i was certain i would continue in this love limbo for the rest of eternity. i couldn't see an end in sight or an answer to my prayers. i was forever lost and forsaken. one day ago i was angry at the whole world. i wanted nothing to do with this love business. i wanted nothing more than to be left alone for the rest of my existence and to never here anyone utter a word about love. i was even ready to beg aro for my own death. i no longer wanted this miserable half-life, never able to completely feel any emotion except anger. i nearly tore my house to pieces in my destructive rage. and then corin sat me down to talk while he was making his new house into a home for his beloved mary. as he worked, i vented and he simply listened. i got out every worry, fear, anger, hurt that i had been feeling. and at the end, when he looked at me, his face showing worry, but lit up from behind with that light of first love, i realized what my problem truly was. i had been using my faith as a shield to hide behind. the true problem was me.
i finally realized that i was afraid. i was afraid of hurting santiago. i was afraid that i'd get close to him only to realize i couldn't ever love him. i was afraid to let someone else into my life. but now i've decided to no longer be afraid. i'm going to jump off the cliff and hope that someone will catch me at the bottom. and now if you'll excuse me, i have someone waiting for me with open arms.

Listening to: The Cardigans - Lovefool

Thursday, April 2, 2009

You're banging on a heart of tin

Say the word forevermore
That's not what I'm looking for
All I can commit to is maybe
So let it be what it'll be
Don't make a fuss and get crazy over you and me
Here's what I do, I play it loose
Not like we have a date with destiny

I'm sorry I've slacked a little on writing a decent blog lately. It's been a bit crazier than usual at my house, if that's possible. After unpacking from our vacation, I got a surprise visitor. A nomad named Mary met Corin over Twitter and decided to come see what Volterra and the Volturi guard were all about. I have loved having her, especially as it's made Corin so happy, but things have gotten a bit chaotic around here. I finally have some quiet time by myself. Corin and Mary have taken off somewhere and Santiago is out for a boys' night with Felix, Demetri, and Afton. So here I sit, curled up in my bed, watching "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" (I love Danny Kaye) and bareing my heart on this blog.
Where to start? I've already told you about the kiss. What I have not told you is about the war raging currently between my head and my heart. I made a vow nearly 400 years ago to foresake the love of man in exchange for a lifetime of servitude and marriage to my God. I have honored that vow every day of my life, both mortal and immortal. Every day until now. Now I am so utterly lost and confused. My heart tells me to follow love and be happy. My head reminds me that I was raised in a time where breaking promises was unforgivable. Somewhere in the middle I wonder if God would forgive me. After all, I have served for the over four normal lifespans. Would I be forgiven if after all this time, I let my heart choose for me? It doesn't make it any easier that this is all so much simpler for Santiago. While we were on vacation, he took some time by himself to think. It seems that during one of those times he had disappeared, he decided that a century was long enough to mourn for a lost love, and that he knows me well enough to see that we would not have a relationship like his parents'. And so the relationship moves forward on his half. He has been so darling about the whole thing, but I just haven't had the time I need to sort this all out. I don't want to end up hurting him, he's already been through so much, but I can't promise my heart just yet. Every time he does something more, like surprising me with a night at the opera, it tugs at my heartstrings and I wish I could give him what he wants. However, as soon as I am alone again, I second guess myself and find myself back where I started. I wish there was someone who could guide me through this decision, who could just tell me what is right. If someone out there can tell me the correct path, please, let me know. Until then I will wait at home for my boys to come back and bring life back into this empty house.

Listening to: Jennifer Paige - Crush