Friday, April 24, 2009

I ignore the ice cold stare

So just where the hell did it all go wrong?
Buried deep within this stupid song
Are the feelings that no words could say
When best friends become enemies

considering felix and i have had some pretty epic twitter fights (and even more off of twitter) i felt i should take the opportunity to explain our relationship, especially after some of the comments people made. and even more so after some of the more....disturbing suggestions about the true nature of our relationship *shudders*
i better start with a little bit of history. felix and i were turned within a few years of each other and we were both brought to the volturi while still in our newborn years. we were taught how to fight together and were each other's sparring partners. felix is also the reason that i found the true strength of my shield. when i very first saw felix he scared me half to death. mind you, i was still a naive girl just pulled from the convent. as he walked up to me, merely to introduce himself i panicked and everyone within a 20 foot radius suddenly forgot where they were and what they were doing. he still thinks it's hilarious how frightened i was, but if i hadn't been it would've taken me much longer to build up the strength of my shield. so as we learned to fight and how to perform our various guard duties, felix and i also learned each other's fighting strategies. after centuries of seeing battle after battle together, i can now predict what he will do before he's even thought to do it, and vice versa. i provide the defense and felix is the deadly offense. it is a rare occurrence when an enemy takes the two of us by surprise. still, it has happened in the past. i am always there to shield felix and have saved him before, but he too has saved me. on the downside of this, when we fight it means we know each other's weaknesses and can cause quite a bit of damage to each other. luckily our tempers have cooled just enough over the centuries that we're no longer in danger of killing each other. not to mention that the other guard members quickly learned to step in when we start going too far.
even though we have learned enough restraint to prevent murder, it doesn't mean that we don't fight just as furiously as we ever have. i don't want you to read this and get the idea that everything between us is rainbows and butterflies. it most definitely is not. being around each other this long means that felix knows exactly what to say to make me fly off the handle in a matter of seconds. he can take my calm, happy mood and turn it to rage in the blink of an eye. of course, i can do the same for him. of course, i don't enjoy causing fights nearly as much as he does, but sometimes it's nice to have someone you can just scream at when you're having a bad day.
another source of our constant conflict is the rivalry between felix and myself. besides always trying to prove who is actually the best looking of the volturi (myself, of course) felix and i both have an insatiable need to be the best. i get extremely jealous when he receives praise and i am overlooked. i believe this stems back to my inner feud with my elder brother luzio. luzio was the child who could do no wrong and i was expected to be his servant. he never appreciated me and took me for granted. sometimes i feel as though felix is the exact same as luzio. i feel as though he doesn't truly realize just how valuable i am and how quickly things would fall apart without me. of course, i'm sure he feels the same of me. and i do take him for granted often. it's hard not to when on a day to day basis all i see of him is his annoying, abrasive, rude side.
however, he does have his rare moments when i remember why i've kept him around all these years. it comes out at the times i need him most, and every now and then it happens randomly. you see, even though felix is my exact opposite, this also means that he has qualities that i'm missing. one of those being the ability to properly control my emotions. i tend to experience emotions in the extremes, including extreme sorrow and depression. when i start falling down into the depths of my despair, felix remains the only one who can pull me out. not even santiago knows me well enough to do so on his own. i can't tell you how he does it, otherwise i'd be able to take care of myself, but somehow felix knows exactly what to say, how to say it and how to comfort me. he also always knows where to find me. usually after one of our fights i'll take off to one of my dozens of hiding places across volterra. felix knows where each one of them is. but he doesn't invade my privacy. instead, he knows exactly how long to give me to cool off before he comes to find me so that we may make amends. believe it or not, sometimes we'll just spend a few hours wherever i'm hiding out talking after we've made up. it doesn't happen frequently, but we do care about each other as siblings and like to know what's going on in the other's life. likewise, i'm there for felix when his temper gets the best of him and it threatens to go entirely out of control. for over 400 years i've allowed felix to use me as more or less of an emotional punching bag, mainly because i can take it better and still bounce back afterwards. as he puts it, "She remains the only person who can calm me down by a touch of her hand and the only person who can piss me off with one look." i can usually make him laugh off his anger. and i know each of the insecurities that flares his temper. although i'll never say it out loud, it's almost like felix and i were destined to find each other. neither of us would have made it very far without the other. basically, without my brother i'd be an emotional train-wreck of a half-person. but you won't hear me saying that.

Listening to: Against All Authority - Best Enemy