Wednesday, April 22, 2009

are you happy out there in this great wide world?

I'm writing to you,
not to tell you that I still hate you.
Just to ask you how you feel
and how we fell apart,
how this fell apart.

i thank god that my darling corin came home to me last night. but in the same breath i curse Him for taking cor away just as quickly. corin came home only to tell us all that he was leaving once more. it seems as though this business with mary has affected him in a much different way than any of us thought. it seems as though she has made him question his place here with us. he has gone off somewhere unbeknownst to me to figure things out. i understand as it was not all that long ago that i too questioned what i was. but it does not lessen the pain any at not seeing his smile and hearing his laughter every day. however i was determined to bear it as best i could. i know that this is what will make corin happy and in turn i will be happy. i could have born it. had it not been for demetri.
only hours after corin had said his final good-byes i received word that demetri, who i believed to still be at my home resting and nursing back to health had taken off. no, not just left. he abandoned us. he is now somewhere in the U.S. and is apparently trying for a vegetarian lifestyle. why he couldn't have done so here is beyond my understanding. but i received a call from carlisle telling me that dem had been in contact with him. it seems as though dem has left us to try and find a home with the cullens. i am completely confused as to why he has been driven from us. and why the cullens? he barely knows them. even i would not look for a new home there, if i were ever foolish enough to leave. is our family truly this hard to stand? i know i can be melodramatic and felix can be rude and santiago can be aloof, but really? the cullens are no closer to perfection than we are, as is proof of their drama this past week. but i know who has been hit hardest by this loss - felix. felix and demetri were extremely close. the two of them would spend days in that garage and not surface until they had built and rebuilt every machine in there. felix will never admit to being hurt by this, but i know him much better than that. i know he will take it as a personal attack by demetri taking off without so much as a farewell note.
and so our numbers continue to dwindle. first the death of chelsea after her supposed suicide in la push. then corin and now demetri. i'm at my wits end. i have spent the better part of the day comatose and was only awoken by the combined efforts of felix and santiago. poor santiago still doesn't know how to handle my moods, but felix does and so the brunt of my emotional mess was laid at his feet. few would know it to look at him but felix can pick up my broken mental pieces better than anyone else. if only he could find his mate so that the favor could be returned. and a mate for felix would mean a new sister for me. perhaps one who could replace chelsea in my heart.
somehow i have failed in my duty as guardian of my family. i was always on the lookout for outside enemies when i should have looked within. i have failed them terribly and now we are shattered. each time i pick up a broken piece to put it back together, it just crumbles again into even more pieces. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm nearing the point of no longer caring. i am more or less on autopilot, just doing as i'm told, going about my daily business. i'm even having a hard time finding the will to care about my remaining family members, for fear that they'll leave me, too. but i will never leave. even if i am the last one standing in the pile of rubble that is volterra, i will not leave. i have learned that this is where i'm needed and this is where i belong. hopefully my brothers will learn that soon, as well.

Listening to: Good Charlotte - Emotionaless