Monday, April 6, 2009


Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

my head is still spinning with the events of the last few days. i'm not completely sure i recognize myself anymore. two days ago i was certain i would continue in this love limbo for the rest of eternity. i couldn't see an end in sight or an answer to my prayers. i was forever lost and forsaken. one day ago i was angry at the whole world. i wanted nothing to do with this love business. i wanted nothing more than to be left alone for the rest of my existence and to never here anyone utter a word about love. i was even ready to beg aro for my own death. i no longer wanted this miserable half-life, never able to completely feel any emotion except anger. i nearly tore my house to pieces in my destructive rage. and then corin sat me down to talk while he was making his new house into a home for his beloved mary. as he worked, i vented and he simply listened. i got out every worry, fear, anger, hurt that i had been feeling. and at the end, when he looked at me, his face showing worry, but lit up from behind with that light of first love, i realized what my problem truly was. i had been using my faith as a shield to hide behind. the true problem was me.
i finally realized that i was afraid. i was afraid of hurting santiago. i was afraid that i'd get close to him only to realize i couldn't ever love him. i was afraid to let someone else into my life. but now i've decided to no longer be afraid. i'm going to jump off the cliff and hope that someone will catch me at the bottom. and now if you'll excuse me, i have someone waiting for me with open arms.

Listening to: The Cardigans - Lovefool