Wednesday, April 8, 2009

just hangin' around then he fell in love

So he said, "Would it be all right
If we just sat and talked for a little while
If in exchange for your time
I give you this smile?"

So she said, "That's okay
As long as you can make a promise
Not to break my little heart
Or leave me all alone in the summer."

all certainly is golden in my sky right now. i can't seem to remember why i was ever afraid to be in a relationship with santiago. everything has been perfect thus far. i know, somewhere deep inside that this can't last forever, the newness will wear off and then where will we be? he'll probably get bored with me or realize that i'm really not what he wants. it would be so easy for him to crush my heart, he's holding it right in his hand. and yet for some odd reason, i'm perfectly at ease. i'm not scared of him leaving and hurting me, although it is very possible. i'm actually pretty surprised that he's stuck around this long. he's usually the one who bears the brunt of my short temper and i know i'm not the easiest person to live with. oh yes, did i mention he's living with me now? he moved his things back into my place and it's like this is where he's always belonged, right by my side. i feel so foolish for torturing myself the past century, turning down his advances and even having aro send him away on assignment after assignment so that i could escape his flirtations. surely God has forgiven me if i have ever offended Him. why else would He send me someone so perfect, allow me to be so happy? unless it's just to set me up for an even greater fall... no, i must not think such things. i have made santiago wait long enough for me, he will surely be faithful to me now. i have forgiven him for his past affairs with other women. i know he thought i would never agree to have him, so he searched for love elsewhere. yet he always failed to find happiness with those other women, and for that i am eternally grateful. although i used to hope that one day he'd find "the one" in my heart of hearts i always knew it would be me one day.
and now i have so much to make up for. i have barely been able to pull myself away from his side, although i admit we are no where near as bad as corin and mary. but i still find myself gazing longingly out windows when he's gone, searching the roads and the woods for any sign of movement that may signal his return. and when i am the one who must leave our home, i am forever impatiently checking my watch and looking for excuses to return to my love. and yet the hardest moments are those when we are on duty together. it's only happened once so far that we were both called into the throne room but i wasn't able to pay any attention whatsoever to what was happening. it took all my willpower to stop myself from staring into santiago's eyes throughout the entire meeting. aro of course knows of our relationship and he approves, he always prefers his guard to find their mates within our coven if at all possible. but santiago and i both still know our places. i pray that there is no need for combat in the coming months and years as i would be torn if ever had to make the choice between protecting santiago, my heart and aro, my master. i hope that as time advances the fire of my passion will be easier to control so that i will maintain my head during such situations. santiago would never want me to fail in my duties to aro, just as i would never want him to do so. but still. when i am wrapped in his arms or pressing his cool lips to mine i know that i could never stand by helplessly and watch him die. i honestly don't know how chelsea and afton have managed to come to terms with all this. but then again, they've had more time and practice.
and what if santiago were to die? what if i failed him but i succeeded in my duty to aro? would i be able to continue my existence? aro would surely never allow me to die, even broken hearted as i would surely be. yet what on this earth would be left for me? santiago tells me i'm silly and not to worry for such a thing will never come to pass. he's right, i'm sure. i have never seen a fighter quite like him. the closest i could imagine would be jasper hale, since both have a military background. and so i try not to bother dearest santi with my silly worries. and yet at night, as i lay silently in his arms absorbing his love through my skin, my mind wanders to the worst case scenarios. and then envisions scenes that are even worse. i am tormented by these nightmares and yet i cannot wake up from them. they stay with me until the first light of dawn and i hear the world stirring. never in my existence have i been more fearful of the night and the shadow terrors it brings. every night the visions come to me on silent wings as twilight fades and the sky turns to black velvet. even my own personal sun, my heart, my dearest love cannot shine brightly enough to chase them away. and so i endure in silence.

Listening to: Panic! at the Disco - When the Day Met the Night