Thursday, April 2, 2009

You're banging on a heart of tin

Say the word forevermore
That's not what I'm looking for
All I can commit to is maybe
So let it be what it'll be
Don't make a fuss and get crazy over you and me
Here's what I do, I play it loose
Not like we have a date with destiny

I'm sorry I've slacked a little on writing a decent blog lately. It's been a bit crazier than usual at my house, if that's possible. After unpacking from our vacation, I got a surprise visitor. A nomad named Mary met Corin over Twitter and decided to come see what Volterra and the Volturi guard were all about. I have loved having her, especially as it's made Corin so happy, but things have gotten a bit chaotic around here. I finally have some quiet time by myself. Corin and Mary have taken off somewhere and Santiago is out for a boys' night with Felix, Demetri, and Afton. So here I sit, curled up in my bed, watching "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" (I love Danny Kaye) and bareing my heart on this blog.
Where to start? I've already told you about the kiss. What I have not told you is about the war raging currently between my head and my heart. I made a vow nearly 400 years ago to foresake the love of man in exchange for a lifetime of servitude and marriage to my God. I have honored that vow every day of my life, both mortal and immortal. Every day until now. Now I am so utterly lost and confused. My heart tells me to follow love and be happy. My head reminds me that I was raised in a time where breaking promises was unforgivable. Somewhere in the middle I wonder if God would forgive me. After all, I have served for the over four normal lifespans. Would I be forgiven if after all this time, I let my heart choose for me? It doesn't make it any easier that this is all so much simpler for Santiago. While we were on vacation, he took some time by himself to think. It seems that during one of those times he had disappeared, he decided that a century was long enough to mourn for a lost love, and that he knows me well enough to see that we would not have a relationship like his parents'. And so the relationship moves forward on his half. He has been so darling about the whole thing, but I just haven't had the time I need to sort this all out. I don't want to end up hurting him, he's already been through so much, but I can't promise my heart just yet. Every time he does something more, like surprising me with a night at the opera, it tugs at my heartstrings and I wish I could give him what he wants. However, as soon as I am alone again, I second guess myself and find myself back where I started. I wish there was someone who could guide me through this decision, who could just tell me what is right. If someone out there can tell me the correct path, please, let me know. Until then I will wait at home for my boys to come back and bring life back into this empty house.

Listening to: Jennifer Paige - Crush