Monday, June 15, 2009

has the moon lost her memory?

All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

i have neglected my blog. i do feel awful for this, but my life has been thrown into chaos over the past few weeks. just when i thought things were calming down, when i finally believed that my family was whole, it was all ripped out from under me. i don't know where it began or who to blame. it has been a culmination of small things, each one like a drop of water forcing its way into the cracks of the mountain, until a freezing wind comes, the water expands, and the mountain breaks apart.
whether it is fair or not, i place a large amount of blame upon the trinity. and upon myself. while they have been absent from our lives over the past several months, it has become my responsibility to keep us functioning, to keep us together and working harmoniously. i did not ask for this job. i'm not entirely sure how it came to rest upon my shoulders. but nevertheless, it did, and i failed at it. i have let myself be ruled by my emotions for far too long, and they got in the way of my leadership. the guard no longer took me seriously given my past emotional outbursts. they no longer listened to my orders. when i finally acted as a leader, as a commander, and not as a sister and friend, i was brushed aside, ignored. i was accused of going on a power-trip, of abusing my authority. so what am i? i have failed as a sister, i have failed as a leader, i have failed as a guard altogether.
after having guilt and anger and depression building up, i finally broke. i finally entered that dark abyss where i no longer cared about anything. i turned my back on my God as He turned his back on me. and somewhere in the darkness, somewhere at the very bottom, it happened. i had lost my shield when i no longer felt i had anything to protect, but then i suddenly felt a new power rising within me. a power stronger than before, a power better than before. as i trained with santiago to try and figure out what this change was, i was suddenly able to push myself into his memories - not his entire mind. i couldn't see his thoughts as if i was aro or edward, only those which he had deemed important enough to remember forever. and then i realized that i was able to remove memories. before my shield was a general amnesiac, making people forget everything of the past few moments, sometimes more if i was feeling particularly powerful. now, i had the ability to pick and choose what i wanted a person to forget. we immediately rushed to marcus, informing him of my ability and that is when we formed the plan.
i am to become the memory keeper of the volturi. i will erase the memories of the past few weeks, just those that expanded the cracks in our strong moutain. i alone will be left with the knowledge of what happened. it is a heavy burden to bear, but i must do it. for the sake of my family. for that is what we are, even if felix denies it. that is what we must be. we must care for each other, we must have a reason to fight for each other. if we do not, we are not the force we thought we were. santiago was my first experiment. i only removed one small memory from him. felix was my next. i removed more and was completely exhausted from the effort, but there were no unfortunate side effects.
jane was my third experiment. i had to go back farther, back about 3 months or so to erase critical memories. i was already worn down from my efforts with felix and i misjudged the strength i needed to push into her mind. i went far, too far. i have now changed jane so much that she still believes she is mortal. she believes that it is 1652, that she is 14 and that aro has just come to her with the question of changing to an immortal. i am ashamed to say that i could not handle the guilt. i did the only thing i could think to do. i ran. i ran so that i would not be a danger to anyone else. i ran so that i would not have to worry about what other damage i could do. santiago followed me, but i managed to leave him behind. i am now hidden, secluded. i will not tell anyone where i am until i have my powers under control. i cannot take the risk of them coming after me. i only pray they do not ask demetri to find me. i have exactly 3 days to overcome this hiccup. i cannot write any longer. i must return to my training.

Listening to: Elaine Paige (Cats) - Memory