I've wished my emotions would just give in

Like anyone I've learned to play like I'm blind
I've learned to believe I'll always get by
Life moves on or so I'm told
Life moves on when you're gone.

if there's one thing i've learned in all my years, it's that life goes on. life will always move on, whether you want it to or not. life waits for no man or woman, whether mortal or immortal. and so we all must make the choice to move with it or fight the losing war and try to remain in the past. i have chosen to move on. and so i'm turning my villa, my little sanctuary, my little piece of heaven, into a home. between furnishing my home and decorating for the festivities that will take place for st. marcus's day, i have been kept busy enough that i have not been able to dwell on the past. this is always the best way for me to heal. if i'm left alone with idle hands i will only spiral further into my depression. i am also lucky enough to have an amazing family surrounding me. my dear heidi has returned home, and demetri has stood by me since the beginning. jane and alec have shown their support, in their own special way, which resulted in felix being dyed green for the better part of a day. chelsea and afton as well have been so dear to me. and santiago, who has volunteered to help me turn this bare set of walls into a suitable home. he even brought me a housewarming gift in the form of the cat pictured above. santi knows i have a tendency to get lonely quickly, even when i don't want the companionship of people. luckily the scent of its blood does not appeal to me at all, although i must take care when having others around. i have named him erwin, in honor of erwin schrodinger. if you have to ask what the irony in this is, you wouldn't understand. i also plan to keep him far away from alec and jane as i do not want a vampire cat. but that is beside the point. i suppose that my point is, that this is my path in life. whether or not it was the right decision to make, i do not know. what i do know is that i must make the best with what i have chosen. the first part of making the best of all of this is making my own place in the chaos that surrounds me. and so i go back to sitting in my newly decorated living room, having a drink (you most likely don't want to know of what), and watching audrey hepburn movies with a dear friend.

Listening to: Blacklisted - Life Moves On

like a lifeless little pawn

Or you can have it all
Everything you crave
Money, pleasure wrapped in leather
Fortune and fame

Sell your soul!

one thing to be said for aro, he certainly knows how to make up with those he's hurt. this evening i walked into my room to find a small box all wrapped up in the center of my bed. inside? two sets of keys. one goes to the shiny new ferrari f430 spider, volturi black of course, currently parked in the garage along with the rest of my family's italian sports cars (we have a hard time blending in). the second key was to the only thing that could possibly make me ever forgive aro. it seems as though he's come to accept that the only way to keep me satisfied is to loosen the leash a little. and so i finally have that which every other member of my coven has had for centuries: my own home. it's a beautiful villa with a vineyard in monteriggioni. it is obviously close enough to volterra that i can be there in under 20 minutes, but far enough away that i can finally have some peace and some time by myself. the one condition aro did put upon these gifts is a pager that only he knows the number to and that i must always respond to, no matter the time of day or night. and yet, as i sit in my new studio, looking out over the gorgeous toscana countryside, i wonder if what i have given in exchange for these gifts was worth it. by accepting these things from aro, i have indebted myself to him and am now more tied to him than ever before. but who knows? perhaps with time and a bit of distance i will once again regain the peace of mind that i have lost. until then, i will enjoy this little piece of paradise. i think i'm going to start ordering furniture to be brought in, after a quick visit to my new, private chapel. yes, i think i may very well find myself here.

Listening to: The Creepshow - Sell Your Soul

Had some stars in her eyes, thought she would have it all

The beauty queen and the wallflower
Feel the same in their darkest hours
All watch as the crown of jewels
Falls from the old guard tower

Apparently my life is back to normal. Or whatever version of normal this life mimics, anyway. I received my daily summons at the usual time. As I wander the halls and corridors, however, I see the looks coming from those I count as my family and dearest friends. Most of them look on me with pity, some contempt, and yet others still give me smug smiles. I guess I had this coming. I've known since the beginning what I was to Aro. I was the crowning jewel in his collection of oddities. I was the last line of defense, I was the one who would stand when others had fallen, I was the one who would never waver. I knew all of this and I reveled in every moment of my favored status. I know the favoritism that Aro showed me irked and confused more than one member of the Volturi, but eventually they all moved past it. I have always been very possessive of my position but I never had a need to defend it. Now I finally understand why that is. It's true, that as the most precious I am given the most attention, but when one is constantly at the center of attention, one most never show the slightest defect. Just like a jewel atop a queen's head I was daily examined by Aro for any signs that I might be unhappy, that I might leave, that I might betray him. His worries always came to naught, until recently. Imagine, going over 400 years without ever having that rebellious streak so characteristic of teenagers now. And now I am rebelling with a vengeance. I'm sure Aro is at a loss with what to do with me. I am at a loss to explain myself. In all of my mortal and immortal existence I have always been the good child, the obedient one, the one always willing to do as her parents and her God commanded. And now I can barely control my own thoughts, let alone have anyone else tell me what to think. I was raised so high and now the fall has almost killed me.
Perhaps I was wrong about all of it. Perhaps there is nothing more past this life. Perhaps there is no greater plan for me. Or maybe that plan included me living a normal, human life and dying as a human, but with the Volturi's intervention that plan has been obliterated. I remember fondly the conversations I once had with Carlisle during his brief stay with us. He, too, came from a background steeped in the faith of his fathers. He is truly the only who has ever truly understood the moral dilemma I face on a daily basis. As a daughter, I was taught to honor my father and mother, and yet I was also taught not to take the life of another human. Yet now in order to obey my father, I must take lives, I must shed blood, and in order to survive I must drink that innocent blood. And now I stand at a crossroads. One path will take me to freedom and disobedience, the other leads to bondage and family. How can anyone make such a choice?

Listening to: Bruce Hornsby - Crown of Jewels

i wish you could heal me

she wakes up, rage and grace
pulling me closer, pushing away
and me, the sharpest thorn on your vine
twisting and turning, we're all intertwined

i said there would be hell to pay. and i was right. oh how i wish i had been wrong. it started early this morning, before the sun had risen. i had taken a red-eye back to italy and had managed to get back into the safetey of the palazzo del priori before the sun could reveal me for what i am. it was quiet but then it usually is quiet in the palazzo while the sun is hidden, for that's when my brothers and sisters go out and play. still, there was an eerie sort of silence blanketing my home. as i walked through the castle, luggage in tow, i passed through the throne room on the way to my wing. and there i found aro, with jane and felix by his side. i immediately noticed several things odd with this arrangement, as i dropped my suitcases and ran to pay my respects to my master. firstly, jane and felix would never opt to be alone in the same room together as they have a mutual hatred for each other. secondly, a situation that required the two most dangerous members of our coven would surely require the presences of caius and marcus as well. and lastly, if there was a situation in which aro felt the need to be protected, i, too, would have been notified.
as i greeted each of them with a nod of the head, i noticed then what i had missed before. i saw the conflict raging in jane's eyes, i saw the barely concealed smirk on felix's face, and i saw the false pity on aro's. i had seen that expression on aro many times, but never directed at me. it was usually the look he wore when deciding that a particular newborn was too difficult to continue to exist. i immediately recognized what was happening here. i raised my head, pushed my shoulders back, and waited for the inevitable. as aro began speaking, i tuned him out and instead concentrated on my foster sister. i heard aro saying something about felix and jane worrying about me, needing to be reminded of where i belong and who i am, something more about how much this pained him. but i didn't hear much. as misunderstood as jane could be, i loved her dearly. she and alec were like my own sisters and brothers that i had lost so long ago. jane reminds me so much of caprice and alec has the same disposition as giovanni. despite the fact that they have technically seen more years than i have, i lived more of mine as a mortal, and so i am like an older sister to them. therefore it pained me to watch my baby sister agonizing over what was to come next. i knew what her choice would ultimately be. all the volturi would make the same choice in the end. and so i decided to spare her what misery i could.
i heard aro saying something about leaving the three of us alone to "talk" and then he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. felix no longer bothered to conceal his grin. he waited for jane to make her move, for he wouldn't be able to get anywhere near me without me first rendered helpless by jane's power. i saw jane glance from me to the door that aro had exited from and back to me. in that second that she hesitated, i seized my opportunity. i had felt jane's power before, when i was a newborn, so i knew fairly well how to act. as i dropped to the floor in pretend pain, i saw the shock cross jane's face, and then understanding, and lastly gratefulness. it surprised me how little time felix wasted once he decided i could no longer block him. it took every ounce of self control i had to continue writhing as if in pain and refrain my natural reflex to shield myself. it felt like hours later that felix finally left, although i'm sure it was only minutes. he has a notoriously short attention span, and it's worsened when his prey does not fight back.
somehow i was still intact, although just barely. i lay facedown on the cold stone floor until i felt myself mentally and physically ready to move. i picked myself up, grabbed my suitcases, and started walking towards my favorite turret. as i climbed the stairs, i heard a set of dainty footsteps behind me. i spun around, automatically on the defensive, until i saw my dear jane. if i have a heart, it was surely broken at the sight of her crestfallen face. i saw the apology written in her eyes, and the anguish that had racked her small body. i gave her a small smile, cupped her face in my hands, kissed her on the forehead and told her "there is nothing for me to forgive. remove this burden from your shoulders." she smiled back at me and continued to follow as i found my way back to the corner of the palazzo that is my sanctuary. here i sit typing this, with my dear little sister watching me faithfully. and so i have learned firsthand that which i always knew. there is a good reason why so few people have ever wanted to leave the volturi, and even fewer have managed to do so successfully.

Listening to: Offspring - Fix You

let me tell you a secret

Let me tell ya 'bout what I've been seeing
It's the window to the world
Let me tell you 'bout the secret
I've been keeping
Said the oyster to the pearl
Are you sorry?
No not me
And tell me why should I be

i have realized that i never properly introduced myself. here is a short bio all about

RENATA MARIA SCUTTO

xx just the facts xx

*.name: Renata Maria Scutto (pronounced "skoo-toe")
*.nicknames: Ren, Reni (only called by Felix, which annoys her), Sister Renata (also called by Felix when mocking her faith)
*.age & birthday: 404 years young, born in 1605, most likely in may, she celebrates it when the white lilies bloom.
*.grade: n/a
*.occupation: Volturi guard
*.money in the bank?: upper class
*.race: Carnivorous vampire
*.appearance: Renata typically sports long, brown, wavy hair although she has been known to dye it on occasion. She will very rarely get the urge to actually dress up. When she does, she will normally straighten her otherwise unruly waves. She also prefers comfy, if unstylish, clothing to the flashy items most the Volturi women favor. She sports the characteristic red eyes of the Volturi although at one time they were hazel. Stands short at 5’1” and fit but not too thin. She usually wears a cross around her neck, although it irritates Aro so she often hides it under her clothing.

xx the beauty behind the face xx


*.likes: reading, watching the sun rise, rainy days in Volterra, a clean room, Audrey Hepburn movies, Little Women, learning new languages, Debussy and Tchaikovsky, going to the ballet, a day all to herself.
*.dislikes: Isabella Swan, being made fun of, not having time to herself, Jim Carey movies, being forced to stay inside due to the sun, Aro’s overdependence on her, Felix when he’s in one of his “moods,” rude people, being yelled at, when people borrow her shoes and never return them.
*.fears: being replaced, losing her faith, losing the love of her family
*.habits: practicing Catholicism, also shows obsessive compulsive tendencies.
*.strengths: Her loyalty, protectiveness, intellectual prowess, excellent stalker due to how quiet she can be.
*.weakness: insecurity, introversion, inability to relate to others in her coven, most likely the physically weakest of the Volturi
*.goals: tRid the world of as much evil as she can, become canonized as a Saint, get a PhD in chemistry, ensure that Isabella Swan does not become a member of the Volturi.
*.secret(s): Renata sometimes feels trapped by her obligation to Aro, especially when he restricts her freedom. As a result of these restrictions, she is the least educated of the Volturi and longs to be able to attend a real university.
*.personality:
x unlike her fellow coven members, Renata does not enjoy violence. She will avoid it at all costs and is frequently heard saying “I am a shield, not a spear.”
x although she is extremely devoted to and loving toward her Volturi family, she remains unable to get particularly close to any one member. The rest of the coven view her as a mystery.
x she still actively practices Roman Catholicism, even including Lent. During the Lenten season, she gives up human blood in exchange for that of animals. She also performs several acts of charity for the homeless who live in Volterra. This has caused much confusion and ridicule in the Volturi household. She also still partakes in the communion rite, although she does not find the bread or wine appetizing.
x she spends a good deal of her free time by herself. She really only interacts with other family members during meals or when Aro requests her presence. The rest of the time she hides away in her favorite northeast turret of the Palazzo del Priori.
x during one of these times that she was alone, she was trying to decide which one mortal throughout history she would change, if she could do so without anyone taking notice. After several hours of inner debate and many lists of pros and cons later, she settled on Jane Austen.
x Renata has a very different personality than most of the Volturi women. She is actually quite frugal with her money, although there is no need for it. She owns very few pieces of clothing and instead has a large collection of stuffed animals. In one respect she is similar to the other women, and that is her weakness for fine Italian leather shoes.
x Renata finds it most difficult to get along with Felix as they are complete opposites. They have somewhat of a joking feud between them where Felix is determined to prove that he is physically superior but Renata shields him every time he comes near and he forgets what he was doing.
x although she is not sure if it is possible or not, Renata believes she has obsessive compulsive disorder. She spends her sleepless nights wandering the castle and cleaning up after her family members. She believes this stems from the fact that she was practically the maid in her human household.
x even after 400 years, Renata is still struggling to completely come to terms with who and what she is. This struggle has become all the more difficult after seeing how well Carlisle’s coven is doing. She has started to question what she has accepted for centuries.
x the part of her personality the Volturi find most confusing is that of her seeming asexuality. Renata was prepared to live a life of abstinence as a mortal and has felt no need to change that as an immortal. Although she does wish for the love she sees between others, such as Aro and Sulpicia, she is quite content for now with her lifestyle.


xx love me, leave me xx


*.sexuality:undiscovered; she tends to live as if she were indeed a nun
*.turn ons: unknown
*.turn offs: unknown

xx memories xx


*.mother: Giorgetta (1590 – 1647)
*.father: Fedele (1574 – 1631)
*.siblings:
x Luzio (1602 – 1668)
x Raffaele (1603 – 1604)
x Felice (1607 – 1635)
x Giovanni (1608 – 1675)
x Caprice (1612 – 1674)
*.other relatives: multiple nieces and nephews whom she never saw again after being turned.
*.vampire mother: Sulpicia
*.vampire father: Aro
*.pets:occasionally a betta fish
*.hometown: Montaperti, Italy
*.current residence: Volterra, Italy
*.history: Renata was born and raised in the small town of Montaperti to a poor, Roman Catholic family. Her father was a blacksmith who claimed to descend from Roman shield bearers who served under Caesar, hence the name “Scutto” or “shield.” Growing up as the eldest daughter, Renata was expected to care for her younger siblings, and even her older brother at times. Her mother and father both greatly favored Luzio, especially after the death of Raffaele and Renata was generally overlooked.
At age 23, Renata had still not had any promising marriage offers. Given that she was not a great beauty, her parents knew she would need a large dowry which they did not have the money for. Instead, they sent her to a convent in Montebradoni. This was suitable to her personality as Renata had always been very religious. She believed that she had a special calling from God. Although she was hesitant to leave her younger brothers and sisters, of whom she had always been very protective, she accepted it as God’s will that she live her life as a nun.
Due to a plague outbreak the year before, the Volturi were forced to leave the safety of Volterra and search for food elsewhere. While on her way to the convent, Renata had to stop for the night at an inn. Eleazar had posed as the widowed innkeeper with Alec and Jane as his children. He was able to sense some sort of power within Renata but was unsure of what it was. After falling asleep that night, the next time Renata gained consciousness it was to see the smiling face of Aro. She had just gone through the torture of the transformation and was now a full vampire. From that point on, she saw Aro as the savior who had rescued her from the pain and suffering of the change. She became so attached to him that even after she knew that this was not true, she still remained by his side and defended him from every danger. She still reveres him as if he is a god.
Although the idea of killing people did not appeal to Renata, she did not know of any other way to live. She began to see it as her calling from God finally fulfilled. She was given the opportunity to rid the world of evil humans and make sure the good ones lived forever. She sees her transformation as the will of God and still practices the Roman Catholic faith.

and now you know, my soul laid bare, make of it what you will, love me if you dare.

Listening to: The Black Crowes - Then She Said My Name

i know i should step away, turn around

'Cause I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
'Cause you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running

this morning i watched the sunrise at the edge of the world. it actually turned out to just be cabo san lucas, but it was still a nice sentiment. after a day with my extended family, which turned out to be many of the volturi, the cullens, quite a few nomads, werewolves, and even some humans, i needed some time by myself. as much as i love all of them, i tend to go a little bit insane when surrounded by so many people. and so i took off down the coast, driving until i ran out of gas and then running until i reached somewhere surrounded by water. i have quite enjoyed this taste of freedom. i know there will be hell to pay as soon as i return to italy, but until then i shall savor every single moment.
so what was i thinking of as i watched the sun come up over the water? mainly nothing. i was just giving my mind, body and soul a chance to rest and prepare for the onslaught of people and activity that is sure to be waiting for me back home. the little i did think about involved that which i try at all costs to avoid. it comes down to this: i love my family with all my heart but i have gone over 400 years without a soulmate, a kindred spirit. being around the cullens and their friends is always trying for me. esme and carlisle, rosalie and emmett, jasper and alice, edward and bella, even little renesmee has jacob. my loneliness is really my own fault, however. i have always let it be widely known that i am not interested in a romantic relationship. as a mortal i made the choice to forsake the love of mortal men. my husband was to be my God. but i made a different sort of change so i never made that commitment. my commitment is now to the volturi. my spouse is my duty to them. yet none of the other volturi have felt compelled to live this life of abstinence. i'm fairly certain heidi has seduced more than enough men for the both of us. felix, too, has been known to "play" with his food. so why did i make this choice? in all honesty, i do not know. and so my running and my search for answers will continue.

Listening to: Evermore - Running

take this longing from my tongue

Just take this longing from my tongue
all the lonely things my hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love.

the cullens. what an extraordinary set of people. the volturi, myself included, paid a visit to them this weekend. the last time i have seen them the circumstances were much different and much less pleasant. that was also the first time i had been in forks. and the first time i had seen isabella since she "rescued" edward from us in italy. bella has always been and will always be a threat to me. i was there the first time aro met her. i saw the look on his face when he realized jane could not touch her. and even without his gift of reading minds, i saw what he was thinking. no longer would i be the chosen one, the precious one, the needed one. if bella were to ever join our ranks, my position would be shared, if not dramatically decreased. aro has always had the muscle to back up his rulings. i am simply the safety net. he has never had the mental security however, that bella possesses. i have no doubt that he would trade the two of us if ever given the chance. despite all this, i do not hate bella. at one time i did, but now i wonder if it would be so bad to be less needed, less wanted. i hope isabella realizes how wonderfully lucky she is, what an amazing family she has, both mortal and immortal.
i have nearly forgotten what that kind of family is like, although i'm not sure my mortal family was ever a true family. we seemed to be more like a group of people who just happened to get along well enough to live together and help each other out. and so i find a bitter taste in mouth, one that i have not known before. it is envy. this is my confession. i long for that which the cullens share, that which i have never known, that which i may never have.

Listening to: Leonard Cohen - Take This Longing