has the moon lost her memory?

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

i have neglected my blog. i do feel awful for this, but my life has been thrown into chaos over the past few weeks. just when i thought things were calming down, when i finally believed that my family was whole, it was all ripped out from under me. i don't know where it began or who to blame. it has been a culmination of small things, each one like a drop of water forcing its way into the cracks of the mountain, until a freezing wind comes, the water expands, and the mountain breaks apart.
whether it is fair or not, i place a large amount of blame upon the trinity. and upon myself. while they have been absent from our lives over the past several months, it has become my responsibility to keep us functioning, to keep us together and working harmoniously. i did not ask for this job. i'm not entirely sure how it came to rest upon my shoulders. but nevertheless, it did, and i failed at it. i have let myself be ruled by my emotions for far too long, and they got in the way of my leadership. the guard no longer took me seriously given my past emotional outbursts. they no longer listened to my orders. when i finally acted as a leader, as a commander, and not as a sister and friend, i was brushed aside, ignored. i was accused of going on a power-trip, of abusing my authority. so what am i? i have failed as a sister, i have failed as a leader, i have failed as a guard altogether.
after having guilt and anger and depression building up, i finally broke. i finally entered that dark abyss where i no longer cared about anything. i turned my back on my God as He turned his back on me. and somewhere in the darkness, somewhere at the very bottom, it happened. i had lost my shield when i no longer felt i had anything to protect, but then i suddenly felt a new power rising within me. a power stronger than before, a power better than before. as i trained with santiago to try and figure out what this change was, i was suddenly able to push myself into his memories - not his entire mind. i couldn't see his thoughts as if i was aro or edward, only those which he had deemed important enough to remember forever. and then i realized that i was able to remove memories. before my shield was a general amnesiac, making people forget everything of the past few moments, sometimes more if i was feeling particularly powerful. now, i had the ability to pick and choose what i wanted a person to forget. we immediately rushed to marcus, informing him of my ability and that is when we formed the plan.
i am to become the memory keeper of the volturi. i will erase the memories of the past few weeks, just those that expanded the cracks in our strong moutain. i alone will be left with the knowledge of what happened. it is a heavy burden to bear, but i must do it. for the sake of my family. for that is what we are, even if felix denies it. that is what we must be. we must care for each other, we must have a reason to fight for each other. if we do not, we are not the force we thought we were. santiago was my first experiment. i only removed one small memory from him. felix was my next. i removed more and was completely exhausted from the effort, but there were no unfortunate side effects.
jane was my third experiment. i had to go back farther, back about 3 months or so to erase critical memories. i was already worn down from my efforts with felix and i misjudged the strength i needed to push into her mind. i went far, too far. i have now changed jane so much that she still believes she is mortal. she believes that it is 1652, that she is 14 and that aro has just come to her with the question of changing to an immortal. i am ashamed to say that i could not handle the guilt. i did the only thing i could think to do. i ran. i ran so that i would not be a danger to anyone else. i ran so that i would not have to worry about what other damage i could do. santiago followed me, but i managed to leave him behind. i am now hidden, secluded. i will not tell anyone where i am until i have my powers under control. i cannot take the risk of them coming after me. i only pray they do not ask demetri to find me. i have exactly 3 days to overcome this hiccup. i cannot write any longer. i must return to my training.

Listening to: Elaine Paige (Cats) - Memory

I've waited so long to say this to you

Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me

It's done.

We were gone and back before anyone missed us. It's not exactly how I would've wanted it, but in light of recent events, I'd rather not force Corin through the hoopla of a big wedding. Maybe when things get back to normal (will they ever be normal?) I can have the wedding of my dreams. For right now, though, a courthouse will suffice.

I'm still not telling anyone. If they find out, if they notice the bands on our hands, fine. But I refuse to make a big deal of it. I don't exactly want to explain why my hand was...not forced, but why my mind was persuaded to choose this path. I admit, it's because of Corin and her. After seeing Corin ripped apart like that, I wanted to bind Santiago to me in every way possible, and I wanted to bind myself to him. I went home after my shift had finished and just laid beside him fo a few hours before getting up the courage to tell him what I wanted. He was surprised, but not too badly. He knows my personality well enough by now, he knows that I would go from the extreme of unhappiness to what I think the most extreme end of happiness should be.

Here we are, husband and wife, although I've already failed him there. I can't bring myself to be his wife in the truest sense of the word, not with the heaviness weighing down my heart. But at least the ties are there. I only hope they are ones that can never be broken.

Listening to: 98 Degrees - I Do (Cherish You)

Now I know I can't love anyone but you

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

Home, sweet home. I greatly enjoyed my time with both the Cullens and Siobhan, but there is nothing like my home country and being surrounded by my family. This was actually the first time I've left Volterra for any length of time without at least one family member with me. But sometimes we need to leave home and our loved ones to realize just how much we need them. My cell was flooded daily with texts and calls and IMs and tweets and e-mails and anything else you can imagine asking me how I was and when I was coming home. They all missed me, even Felix, although I doubt he'll admit it.
There were a few unexpected things waiting for me at home, however. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I rushed to get to a meeting with Felix and Marcus concerning Beth's training. Apparently there had been some sort of misunderstanding between Marcus and Beth earlier that I'm still trying to clear up. After our meeting, Felix told me he that he's leaving today to go to Spain. He won't give me a good reason, just something about needing a break and wanting to check on his house there. I know that's bull because Felix never takes a break unless Marcus, Aro or Caius orders him to. So now I'm trying to get to the bottom of that matter. Then when planning the wedding with Mary she seems in more of a hurry than before to try and get everything taken care of. Again, she refuses to give me a decent reason. It's like she's not planning on being here until the wedding actually takes place. I feel as though everyone is keeping a secret from me. I'll find out sooner or later, though. I always do.
And then there came the biggest surprise of all. Dearest Santiago, my heart, my soul. I always celebrate my mortal birthday towards the beginning of May. I usually wait for the white lilies in the garden to be in bloom, but this year I was away when the finally bloomed. This is the first time it's happened. When I finally got a chance to get back to my own home, after meetings and whatnot, I walked into my house to find it drowning in white lilies. I could barely see the floors and couldn't see the walls at all. It was absolutely breathtaking and it smelled so wonderful. And there was Santiago, standing in the midst of it, looking at me as if I was the most precious thing in the entire world. As I ran to embrace him, he handed me a single, perfect white lily. I inhaled its scent deeply and then noticed it, that very not flower little thing in the middle of its petals. I was so shocked and confused. As I looked at Santiago with questions in my eyes, he took it and slipped it onto the chain around my neck, where it now hangs next to my cross. Then he kissed me gently and simply said "Just think about it. I don't need an answer anytime soon." So now I have a lot of thinking to do. First thing, however, I need to get a longer chain for my cross. Before, the cross was much easier to hide under my robes because it was flat but with this new addition, well, it may stick out a bit too much. I don't plan on telling anyone as of yet, although I know Aro will know soon enough. But I don't need the pressure and prying questions from anyone else. For now, this is a secret that I will literally keep close to my heart.

Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone

the best days of my life

Can't take away those times
We stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smoking cigarettes and
Three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together
Holding your body close to mine .

i'm almost afraid to say that i'm content after the fiasco that ensued the last time i wrote those words. but i think i'm fairly safe to say them now. there was a bizarre incident that resulted in the vamp-napping of mary, and the near death of both her and me, but things are slowly returning to normal. even felix and corin have repaired their relationship. this in and of itself is enough to make me ecstatic, but we've had other wonderful developments the past few days. mary and corin are now engaged to be married (and who cares if she proposed to him, at least it's happening!) and we have a new sister in the volturi, bethan pyrs. i'm still recovering from the loss of chelsea, but gaining two new sisters has certainly helped the healing process.
i spent a little over the past day in ireland visiting siobhan and her coven and now we are on our way to forks, washington to visit the cullens as well as the denali coven. i am very excited, especially to see little nessa again. i'm afraid i filled one of my coach trunks completely full with just clothing and presents for her. i know the dear girl grows so quickly, i figured she might as well be dressed stylishly while doing so. now i just hope that nothing happens at home while i'm gone, although i'll be worrying every second of every day until i have returned.

Listening to: Matt White - Best Days

I ignore the ice cold stare

So just where the hell did it all go wrong?
Buried deep within this stupid song
Are the feelings that no words could say
When best friends become enemies

considering felix and i have had some pretty epic twitter fights (and even more off of twitter) i felt i should take the opportunity to explain our relationship, especially after some of the comments people made. and even more so after some of the more....disturbing suggestions about the true nature of our relationship *shudders*
i better start with a little bit of history. felix and i were turned within a few years of each other and we were both brought to the volturi while still in our newborn years. we were taught how to fight together and were each other's sparring partners. felix is also the reason that i found the true strength of my shield. when i very first saw felix he scared me half to death. mind you, i was still a naive girl just pulled from the convent. as he walked up to me, merely to introduce himself i panicked and everyone within a 20 foot radius suddenly forgot where they were and what they were doing. he still thinks it's hilarious how frightened i was, but if i hadn't been it would've taken me much longer to build up the strength of my shield. so as we learned to fight and how to perform our various guard duties, felix and i also learned each other's fighting strategies. after centuries of seeing battle after battle together, i can now predict what he will do before he's even thought to do it, and vice versa. i provide the defense and felix is the deadly offense. it is a rare occurrence when an enemy takes the two of us by surprise. still, it has happened in the past. i am always there to shield felix and have saved him before, but he too has saved me. on the downside of this, when we fight it means we know each other's weaknesses and can cause quite a bit of damage to each other. luckily our tempers have cooled just enough over the centuries that we're no longer in danger of killing each other. not to mention that the other guard members quickly learned to step in when we start going too far.
even though we have learned enough restraint to prevent murder, it doesn't mean that we don't fight just as furiously as we ever have. i don't want you to read this and get the idea that everything between us is rainbows and butterflies. it most definitely is not. being around each other this long means that felix knows exactly what to say to make me fly off the handle in a matter of seconds. he can take my calm, happy mood and turn it to rage in the blink of an eye. of course, i can do the same for him. of course, i don't enjoy causing fights nearly as much as he does, but sometimes it's nice to have someone you can just scream at when you're having a bad day.
another source of our constant conflict is the rivalry between felix and myself. besides always trying to prove who is actually the best looking of the volturi (myself, of course) felix and i both have an insatiable need to be the best. i get extremely jealous when he receives praise and i am overlooked. i believe this stems back to my inner feud with my elder brother luzio. luzio was the child who could do no wrong and i was expected to be his servant. he never appreciated me and took me for granted. sometimes i feel as though felix is the exact same as luzio. i feel as though he doesn't truly realize just how valuable i am and how quickly things would fall apart without me. of course, i'm sure he feels the same of me. and i do take him for granted often. it's hard not to when on a day to day basis all i see of him is his annoying, abrasive, rude side.
however, he does have his rare moments when i remember why i've kept him around all these years. it comes out at the times i need him most, and every now and then it happens randomly. you see, even though felix is my exact opposite, this also means that he has qualities that i'm missing. one of those being the ability to properly control my emotions. i tend to experience emotions in the extremes, including extreme sorrow and depression. when i start falling down into the depths of my despair, felix remains the only one who can pull me out. not even santiago knows me well enough to do so on his own. i can't tell you how he does it, otherwise i'd be able to take care of myself, but somehow felix knows exactly what to say, how to say it and how to comfort me. he also always knows where to find me. usually after one of our fights i'll take off to one of my dozens of hiding places across volterra. felix knows where each one of them is. but he doesn't invade my privacy. instead, he knows exactly how long to give me to cool off before he comes to find me so that we may make amends. believe it or not, sometimes we'll just spend a few hours wherever i'm hiding out talking after we've made up. it doesn't happen frequently, but we do care about each other as siblings and like to know what's going on in the other's life. likewise, i'm there for felix when his temper gets the best of him and it threatens to go entirely out of control. for over 400 years i've allowed felix to use me as more or less of an emotional punching bag, mainly because i can take it better and still bounce back afterwards. as he puts it, "She remains the only person who can calm me down by a touch of her hand and the only person who can piss me off with one look." i can usually make him laugh off his anger. and i know each of the insecurities that flares his temper. although i'll never say it out loud, it's almost like felix and i were destined to find each other. neither of us would have made it very far without the other. basically, without my brother i'd be an emotional train-wreck of a half-person. but you won't hear me saying that.

Listening to: Against All Authority - Best Enemy

are you happy out there in this great wide world?

I'm writing to you,
not to tell you that I still hate you.
Just to ask you how you feel
and how we fell apart,
how this fell apart.

i thank god that my darling corin came home to me last night. but in the same breath i curse Him for taking cor away just as quickly. corin came home only to tell us all that he was leaving once more. it seems as though this business with mary has affected him in a much different way than any of us thought. it seems as though she has made him question his place here with us. he has gone off somewhere unbeknownst to me to figure things out. i understand as it was not all that long ago that i too questioned what i was. but it does not lessen the pain any at not seeing his smile and hearing his laughter every day. however i was determined to bear it as best i could. i know that this is what will make corin happy and in turn i will be happy. i could have born it. had it not been for demetri.
only hours after corin had said his final good-byes i received word that demetri, who i believed to still be at my home resting and nursing back to health had taken off. no, not just left. he abandoned us. he is now somewhere in the U.S. and is apparently trying for a vegetarian lifestyle. why he couldn't have done so here is beyond my understanding. but i received a call from carlisle telling me that dem had been in contact with him. it seems as though dem has left us to try and find a home with the cullens. i am completely confused as to why he has been driven from us. and why the cullens? he barely knows them. even i would not look for a new home there, if i were ever foolish enough to leave. is our family truly this hard to stand? i know i can be melodramatic and felix can be rude and santiago can be aloof, but really? the cullens are no closer to perfection than we are, as is proof of their drama this past week. but i know who has been hit hardest by this loss - felix. felix and demetri were extremely close. the two of them would spend days in that garage and not surface until they had built and rebuilt every machine in there. felix will never admit to being hurt by this, but i know him much better than that. i know he will take it as a personal attack by demetri taking off without so much as a farewell note.
and so our numbers continue to dwindle. first the death of chelsea after her supposed suicide in la push. then corin and now demetri. i'm at my wits end. i have spent the better part of the day comatose and was only awoken by the combined efforts of felix and santiago. poor santiago still doesn't know how to handle my moods, but felix does and so the brunt of my emotional mess was laid at his feet. few would know it to look at him but felix can pick up my broken mental pieces better than anyone else. if only he could find his mate so that the favor could be returned. and a mate for felix would mean a new sister for me. perhaps one who could replace chelsea in my heart.
somehow i have failed in my duty as guardian of my family. i was always on the lookout for outside enemies when i should have looked within. i have failed them terribly and now we are shattered. each time i pick up a broken piece to put it back together, it just crumbles again into even more pieces. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm nearing the point of no longer caring. i am more or less on autopilot, just doing as i'm told, going about my daily business. i'm even having a hard time finding the will to care about my remaining family members, for fear that they'll leave me, too. but i will never leave. even if i am the last one standing in the pile of rubble that is volterra, i will not leave. i have learned that this is where i'm needed and this is where i belong. hopefully my brothers will learn that soon, as well.

Listening to: Good Charlotte - Emotionaless

you walk a lonely road, oh how far you are from home

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Oh Lord, bring my brother home to me. Bring him home to me in one piece. Remove the guilt and the blood from his head and hands. Forgive him of his sins and let him know he is loved. As I kneel in this ancient cathedral, the images of happier times run through my head like home movies. I can remember every smile, every laugh. Please do not let them be taken from me so soon. Take me in his place if you must, but do not let such an angel leave this earth. There has never existed a soul so kind or good as that of Corin. He has always been my sunshine on my darkest days, the darling and the sweetheart of all my brethren. He deserves happiness. Please let him find it.

God of all consolation,
in your unending love and mercy for us,
you turn the darkness of death into the dawn of new life.
Show compassion to your people in sorrow.
Be our refuge and our strength to lift us
from the darkness of this grief
to peace and joy in your presence.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord.

Listening to: Enya - May It Be