shield against my sorrow

has the moon lost her memory?

2009-06-15T00:21:00.006+02:00

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

i have neglected my blog. i do feel awful for this, but my life has been thrown into chaos over the past few weeks. just when i thought things were calming down, when i finally believed that my family was whole, it was all ripped out from under me. i don't know where it began or who to blame. it has been a culmination of small things, each one like a drop of water forcing its way into the cracks of the mountain, until a freezing wind comes, the water expands, and the mountain breaks apart.
whether it is fair or not, i place a large amount of blame upon the trinity. and upon myself. while they have been absent from our lives over the past several months, it has become my responsibility to keep us functioning, to keep us together and working harmoniously. i did not ask for this job. i'm not entirely sure how it came to rest upon my shoulders. but nevertheless, it did, and i failed at it. i have let myself be ruled by my emotions for far too long, and they got in the way of my leadership. the guard no longer took me seriously given my past emotional outbursts. they no longer listened to my orders. when i finally acted as a leader, as a commander, and not as a sister and friend, i was brushed aside, ignored. i was accused of going on a power-trip, of abusing my authority. so what am i? i have failed as a sister, i have failed as a leader, i have failed as a guard altogether.
after having guilt and anger and depression building up, i finally broke. i finally entered that dark abyss where i no longer cared about anything. i turned my back on my God as He turned his back on me. and somewhere in the darkness, somewhere at the very bottom, it happened. i had lost my shield when i no longer felt i had anything to protect, but then i suddenly felt a new power rising within me. a power stronger than before, a power better than before. as i trained with santiago to try and figure out what this change was, i was suddenly able to push myself into his memories - not his entire mind. i couldn't see his thoughts as if i was aro or edward, only those which he had deemed important enough to remember forever. and then i realized that i was able to remove memories. before my shield was a general amnesiac, making people forget everything of the past few moments, sometimes more if i was feeling particularly powerful. now, i had the ability to pick and choose what i wanted a person to forget. we immediately rushed to marcus, informing him of my ability and that is when we formed the plan.
i am to become the memory keeper of the volturi. i will erase the memories of the past few weeks, just those that expanded the cracks in our strong moutain. i alone will be left with the knowledge of what happened. it is a heavy burden to bear, but i must do it. for the sake of my family. for that is what we are, even if felix denies it. that is what we must be. we must care for each other, we must have a reason to fight for each other. if we do not, we are not the force we thought we were. santiago was my first experiment. i only removed one small memory from him. felix was my next. i removed more and was completely exhausted from the effort, but there were no unfortunate side effects.
jane was my third experiment. i had to go back farther, back about 3 months or so to erase critical memories. i was already worn down from my efforts with felix and i misjudged the strength i needed to push into her mind. i went far, too far. i have now changed jane so much that she still believes she is mortal. she believes that it is 1652, that she is 14 and that aro has just come to her with the question of changing to an immortal. i am ashamed to say that i could not handle the guilt. i did the only thing i could think to do. i ran. i ran so that i would not be a danger to anyone else. i ran so that i would not have to worry about what other damage i could do. santiago followed me, but i managed to leave him behind. i am now hidden, secluded. i will not tell anyone where i am until i have my powers under control. i cannot take the risk of them coming after me. i only pray they do not ask demetri to find me. i have exactly 3 days to overcome this hiccup. i cannot write any longer. i must return to my training.

Listening to: Elaine Paige (Cats) - Memory

I've waited so long to say this to you

2009-05-13T03:26:00.002+02:00

Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me

It's done.

We were gone and back before anyone missed us. It's not exactly how I would've wanted it, but in light of recent events, I'd rather not force Corin through the hoopla of a big wedding. Maybe when things get back to normal (will they ever be normal?) I can have the wedding of my dreams. For right now, though, a courthouse will suffice.

I'm still not telling anyone. If they find out, if they notice the bands on our hands, fine. But I refuse to make a big deal of it. I don't exactly want to explain why my hand was...not forced, but why my mind was persuaded to choose this path. I admit, it's because of Corin and her. After seeing Corin ripped apart like that, I wanted to bind Santiago to me in every way possible, and I wanted to bind myself to him. I went home after my shift had finished and just laid beside him fo a few hours before getting up the courage to tell him what I wanted. He was surprised, but not too badly. He knows my personality well enough by now, he knows that I would go from the extreme of unhappiness to what I think the most extreme end of happiness should be.

Here we are, husband and wife, although I've already failed him there. I can't bring myself to be his wife in the truest sense of the word, not with the heaviness weighing down my heart. But at least the ties are there. I only hope they are ones that can never be broken.

Listening to: 98 Degrees - I Do (Cherish You)

Now I know I can't love anyone but you

2009-05-05T01:32:00.002+02:00

I'm just a stranger, even to myself.
A re-arranger of the proverbial bookshelf.
Don't be a fool girl, tell him you love him.
Don't be a fool girl, you're not above him.

Home, sweet home. I greatly enjoyed my time with both the Cullens and Siobhan, but there is nothing like my home country and being surrounded by my family. This was actually the first time I've left Volterra for any length of time without at least one family member with me. But sometimes we need to leave home and our loved ones to realize just how much we need them. My cell was flooded daily with texts and calls and IMs and tweets and e-mails and anything else you can imagine asking me how I was and when I was coming home. They all missed me, even Felix, although I doubt he'll admit it.
There were a few unexpected things waiting for me at home, however. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I rushed to get to a meeting with Felix and Marcus concerning Beth's training. Apparently there had been some sort of misunderstanding between Marcus and Beth earlier that I'm still trying to clear up. After our meeting, Felix told me he that he's leaving today to go to Spain. He won't give me a good reason, just something about needing a break and wanting to check on his house there. I know that's bull because Felix never takes a break unless Marcus, Aro or Caius orders him to. So now I'm trying to get to the bottom of that matter. Then when planning the wedding with Mary she seems in more of a hurry than before to try and get everything taken care of. Again, she refuses to give me a decent reason. It's like she's not planning on being here until the wedding actually takes place. I feel as though everyone is keeping a secret from me. I'll find out sooner or later, though. I always do.
And then there came the biggest surprise of all. Dearest Santiago, my heart, my soul. I always celebrate my mortal birthday towards the beginning of May. I usually wait for the white lilies in the garden to be in bloom, but this year I was away when the finally bloomed. This is the first time it's happened. When I finally got a chance to get back to my own home, after meetings and whatnot, I walked into my house to find it drowning in white lilies. I could barely see the floors and couldn't see the walls at all. It was absolutely breathtaking and it smelled so wonderful. And there was Santiago, standing in the midst of it, looking at me as if I was the most precious thing in the entire world. As I ran to embrace him, he handed me a single, perfect white lily. I inhaled its scent deeply and then noticed it, that very not flower little thing in the middle of its petals. I was so shocked and confused. As I looked at Santiago with questions in my eyes, he took it and slipped it onto the chain around my neck, where it now hangs next to my cross. Then he kissed me gently and simply said "Just think about it. I don't need an answer anytime soon." So now I have a lot of thinking to do. First thing, however, I need to get a longer chain for my cross. Before, the cross was much easier to hide under my robes because it was flat but with this new addition, well, it may stick out a bit too much. I don't plan on telling anyone as of yet, although I know Aro will know soon enough. But I don't need the pressure and prying questions from anyone else. For now, this is a secret that I will literally keep close to my heart.

Listening to: Ingrid Michaelson - Die Alone

the best days of my life

2009-05-01T01:27:00.001+02:00

Can't take away those times
We stayed up and we talked all night
Chain smoking cigarettes and
Three bottles of red wine
Falling asleep together
Holding your body close to mine .

i'm almost afraid to say that i'm content after the fiasco that ensued the last time i wrote those words. but i think i'm fairly safe to say them now. there was a bizarre incident that resulted in the vamp-napping of mary, and the near death of both her and me, but things are slowly returning to normal. even felix and corin have repaired their relationship. this in and of itself is enough to make me ecstatic, but we've had other wonderful developments the past few days. mary and corin are now engaged to be married (and who cares if she proposed to him, at least it's happening!) and we have a new sister in the volturi, bethan pyrs. i'm still recovering from the loss of chelsea, but gaining two new sisters has certainly helped the healing process.
i spent a little over the past day in ireland visiting siobhan and her coven and now we are on our way to forks, washington to visit the cullens as well as the denali coven. i am very excited, especially to see little nessa again. i'm afraid i filled one of my coach trunks completely full with just clothing and presents for her. i know the dear girl grows so quickly, i figured she might as well be dressed stylishly while doing so. now i just hope that nothing happens at home while i'm gone, although i'll be worrying every second of every day until i have returned.

Listening to: Matt White - Best Days

I ignore the ice cold stare

2009-04-24T06:17:00.004+02:00

So just where the hell did it all go wrong?
Buried deep within this stupid song
Are the feelings that no words could say
When best friends become enemies

considering felix and i have had some pretty epic twitter fights (and even more off of twitter) i felt i should take the opportunity to explain our relationship, especially after some of the comments people made. and even more so after some of the more....disturbing suggestions about the true nature of our relationship *shudders*
i better start with a little bit of history. felix and i were turned within a few years of each other and we were both brought to the volturi while still in our newborn years. we were taught how to fight together and were each other's sparring partners. felix is also the reason that i found the true strength of my shield. when i very first saw felix he scared me half to death. mind you, i was still a naive girl just pulled from the convent. as he walked up to me, merely to introduce himself i panicked and everyone within a 20 foot radius suddenly forgot where they were and what they were doing. he still thinks it's hilarious how frightened i was, but if i hadn't been it would've taken me much longer to build up the strength of my shield. so as we learned to fight and how to perform our various guard duties, felix and i also learned each other's fighting strategies. after centuries of seeing battle after battle together, i can now predict what he will do before he's even thought to do it, and vice versa. i provide the defense and felix is the deadly offense. it is a rare occurrence when an enemy takes the two of us by surprise. still, it has happened in the past. i am always there to shield felix and have saved him before, but he too has saved me. on the downside of this, when we fight it means we know each other's weaknesses and can cause quite a bit of damage to each other. luckily our tempers have cooled just enough over the centuries that we're no longer in danger of killing each other. not to mention that the other guard members quickly learned to step in when we start going too far.
even though we have learned enough restraint to prevent murder, it doesn't mean that we don't fight just as furiously as we ever have. i don't want you to read this and get the idea that everything between us is rainbows and butterflies. it most definitely is not. being around each other this long means that felix knows exactly what to say to make me fly off the handle in a matter of seconds. he can take my calm, happy mood and turn it to rage in the blink of an eye. of course, i can do the same for him. of course, i don't enjoy causing fights nearly as much as he does, but sometimes it's nice to have someone you can just scream at when you're having a bad day.
another source of our constant conflict is the rivalry between felix and myself. besides always trying to prove who is actually the best looking of the volturi (myself, of course) felix and i both have an insatiable need to be the best. i get extremely jealous when he receives praise and i am overlooked. i believe this stems back to my inner feud with my elder brother luzio. luzio was the child who could do no wrong and i was expected to be his servant. he never appreciated me and took me for granted. sometimes i feel as though felix is the exact same as luzio. i feel as though he doesn't truly realize just how valuable i am and how quickly things would fall apart without me. of course, i'm sure he feels the same of me. and i do take him for granted often. it's hard not to when on a day to day basis all i see of him is his annoying, abrasive, rude side.
however, he does have his rare moments when i remember why i've kept him around all these years. it comes out at the times i need him most, and every now and then it happens randomly. you see, even though felix is my exact opposite, this also means that he has qualities that i'm missing. one of those being the ability to properly control my emotions. i tend to experience emotions in the extremes, including extreme sorrow and depression. when i start falling down into the depths of my despair, felix remains the only one who can pull me out. not even santiago knows me well enough to do so on his own. i can't tell you how he does it, otherwise i'd be able to take care of myself, but somehow felix knows exactly what to say, how to say it and how to comfort me. he also always knows where to find me. usually after one of our fights i'll take off to one of my dozens of hiding places across volterra. felix knows where each one of them is. but he doesn't invade my privacy. instead, he knows exactly how long to give me to cool off before he comes to find me so that we may make amends. believe it or not, sometimes we'll just spend a few hours wherever i'm hiding out talking after we've made up. it doesn't happen frequently, but we do care about each other as siblings and like to know what's going on in the other's life. likewise, i'm there for felix when his temper gets the best of him and it threatens to go entirely out of control. for over 400 years i've allowed felix to use me as more or less of an emotional punching bag, mainly because i can take it better and still bounce back afterwards. as he puts it, "She remains the only person who can calm me down by a touch of her hand and the only person who can piss me off with one look." i can usually make him laugh off his anger. and i know each of the insecurities that flares his temper. although i'll never say it out loud, it's almost like felix and i were destined to find each other. neither of us would have made it very far without the other. basically, without my brother i'd be an emotional train-wreck of a half-person. but you won't hear me saying that.

Listening to: Against All Authority - Best Enemy

are you happy out there in this great wide world?

2009-04-22T11:54:00.002+02:00

I'm writing to you,
not to tell you that I still hate you.
Just to ask you how you feel
and how we fell apart,
how this fell apart.

i thank god that my darling corin came home to me last night. but in the same breath i curse Him for taking cor away just as quickly. corin came home only to tell us all that he was leaving once more. it seems as though this business with mary has affected him in a much different way than any of us thought. it seems as though she has made him question his place here with us. he has gone off somewhere unbeknownst to me to figure things out. i understand as it was not all that long ago that i too questioned what i was. but it does not lessen the pain any at not seeing his smile and hearing his laughter every day. however i was determined to bear it as best i could. i know that this is what will make corin happy and in turn i will be happy. i could have born it. had it not been for demetri.
only hours after corin had said his final good-byes i received word that demetri, who i believed to still be at my home resting and nursing back to health had taken off. no, not just left. he abandoned us. he is now somewhere in the U.S. and is apparently trying for a vegetarian lifestyle. why he couldn't have done so here is beyond my understanding. but i received a call from carlisle telling me that dem had been in contact with him. it seems as though dem has left us to try and find a home with the cullens. i am completely confused as to why he has been driven from us. and why the cullens? he barely knows them. even i would not look for a new home there, if i were ever foolish enough to leave. is our family truly this hard to stand? i know i can be melodramatic and felix can be rude and santiago can be aloof, but really? the cullens are no closer to perfection than we are, as is proof of their drama this past week. but i know who has been hit hardest by this loss - felix. felix and demetri were extremely close. the two of them would spend days in that garage and not surface until they had built and rebuilt every machine in there. felix will never admit to being hurt by this, but i know him much better than that. i know he will take it as a personal attack by demetri taking off without so much as a farewell note.
and so our numbers continue to dwindle. first the death of chelsea after her supposed suicide in la push. then corin and now demetri. i'm at my wits end. i have spent the better part of the day comatose and was only awoken by the combined efforts of felix and santiago. poor santiago still doesn't know how to handle my moods, but felix does and so the brunt of my emotional mess was laid at his feet. few would know it to look at him but felix can pick up my broken mental pieces better than anyone else. if only he could find his mate so that the favor could be returned. and a mate for felix would mean a new sister for me. perhaps one who could replace chelsea in my heart.
somehow i have failed in my duty as guardian of my family. i was always on the lookout for outside enemies when i should have looked within. i have failed them terribly and now we are shattered. each time i pick up a broken piece to put it back together, it just crumbles again into even more pieces. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm nearing the point of no longer caring. i am more or less on autopilot, just doing as i'm told, going about my daily business. i'm even having a hard time finding the will to care about my remaining family members, for fear that they'll leave me, too. but i will never leave. even if i am the last one standing in the pile of rubble that is volterra, i will not leave. i have learned that this is where i'm needed and this is where i belong. hopefully my brothers will learn that soon, as well.

Listening to: Good Charlotte - Emotionaless

you walk a lonely road, oh how far you are from home

2009-04-21T06:57:00.003+02:00

May it be the shadows call
Will fly away
May it be you journey on
To light the day
When the night is overcome
You may rise to find the sun

Oh Lord, bring my brother home to me. Bring him home to me in one piece. Remove the guilt and the blood from his head and hands. Forgive him of his sins and let him know he is loved. As I kneel in this ancient cathedral, the images of happier times run through my head like home movies. I can remember every smile, every laugh. Please do not let them be taken from me so soon. Take me in his place if you must, but do not let such an angel leave this earth. There has never existed a soul so kind or good as that of Corin. He has always been my sunshine on my darkest days, the darling and the sweetheart of all my brethren. He deserves happiness. Please let him find it.

God of all consolation,
in your unending love and mercy for us,
you turn the darkness of death into the dawn of new life.
Show compassion to your people in sorrow.
Be our refuge and our strength to lift us
from the darkness of this grief
to peace and joy in your presence.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord.

Listening to: Enya - May It Be

You're condemned to me

2009-04-17T09:08:00.008+02:00

So don't ever go away
And never put aside
The things I'm gonna say
Cause these are the rules for us

It seems that there are a large number of vampires out there who have forgotten that the Volturi are the ruling body of our world and there are laws that we expect those we govern to obey. Break these laws and the consequences are severe. We do not hesitate to kill those who cross us.

Volturian Laws

These laws apply to the entire vampire community, whether currently residing in Volterra, Italy or other parts of the world. Each law and every future law will be discussed and agreed upon by Aro, Marcus and Caius. Any violation of the following laws will result in a punishment to be decided upon by Aro, Marcus and Caius at their discretion. Said punishment will then be enforced by members of the Volturi Guard.

1) No vampire may perform any act by which their true identity will become known to humankind. This includes but is not limited to: stepping into the sunlight in public, feeding in public, demonstrating ones speed or strength in a way which arouses suspicion.

a) Vampires may discuss the affairs of our world with one another on the social networking site Twitter with the understanding that, while humans may read this commentary, no information may be directly revealed to a human. However they may not purposely expose the existence of vampires to any human.

b) All vampires are also required to keep the existence of Quileute shape-shifters and werewolves from the knowledge of humankind.

2) If a human becomes aware of the existence of vampires, they must either be turned themselves or be killed.

a) The only exception to this rule is for the members of the Quileute Nation. However, they too are required to keep the existence of vampires from the knowledge of humankind.

3) No vampire may enter into a treaty with a werewolf, otherwise known as children of the moon.

a) Quileute shape-shifters are exempt from this law, as pertaining to their treaty with the vampires of the Olympic Coven.

4) The creation of immortal children will result in the death of both the child and the creator.

a) The intentional creation of half-vampire half-human children will be examined on a case-by-case basis. If the creation of such children is proven to be accidental, the creators will not face any negative repercussions.

5) It is forbidden to create an army of newborn vampires in an attempt to claim or defend a territory.

a) Creation of such an army will result in the eradication of every newborn as well as the creator(s).

6) Harming or attempting to harm a member of the Volturi Guard, whether accidental or intentional, will result in immediate death.

7) Hunting within the city limits of Volterra is strictly forbidden, whether of animals or humans.

8) All wolves, shape-shifter or otherwise, are forbidden from entering Volterra under any circumstances.

9) Allegiances with the Romanian coven will not be tolerated. They and their allies are banished forever from Volterra.

10) Members of the Volturi Guard will face severe punishment for insubordination. This may include death, depending on the severity of the situation.

These laws and their respective punishments may be amended at any time as deemed necessary by the Volturi. Aro, Marcus and Caius also reserve the right to make any exceptions as they feel are required.

Listening to: Shakira - Rules

I'm gonna take you in my arms and fly away

2009-04-13T12:07:00.004+02:00

You're looking for somewhere to belong
You're standing all alone
for someone to guide you on your way
Now and Forever

i am content. for the first time in over a century, i say those words with complete honesty. i am done fighting myself and my place in this world. at least for now. i have all that i could want: a wonderful man who loves me endlessly, an unbelievably amazing family who i would do anything for, a beautiful house and a fast car, not to mention the collection of shoes. aro is especially pleased with my change in attitude. i know he was beginning to think i would never again be at peace in volterra. he has indulged me so much while i tried to find myself. not to mention what i've put santiago through. aro has officially given us his blessing, although we must now prove that we can still perform our guard duties properly. and so at this point in time, we are not allowed to be on guard duty at the same time. this is wise on aro's part. he knows that eventually our relationship will make us perfectly in sync and an even deadlier team, but until the passion has cooled, we are more of a liability together. we understand this, and so we seem to constantly be missing each other the past few days, but we take what few moments we can catch. i love santiago so much, i swear i can almost hear my heart beat again when i am with him. he has captured my heart for all of eternity.
the other half of my serenity comes from a rather more surprising place. felix and i have finally come to terms and are trying to put our past rivalry behind us. why this change has come about all of a sudden, i'm not sure. i think i just finally saw myself for the brat i was when corin was yelling at me and decided i was done with it. i don't want to be the self-centered, spoiled child anymore. don't get me wrong, i'm still going to annoy him from time to time, and i expect him to do the same. but i'll just give it in moderation. who knows? maybe one day he and i will have a serious conversation. felix is my brother, and we have fought side by side in many battles. he has saved my life before, and i have saved his. why we ever started on this mutual hatred i can't remember, but i'm done with it. he's even made an effort to stop calling me "reni" although now that it's gone i admit i miss it. in the unfortunate event that we are again called into battle together, i believe we will now be even more formidable together. that's a scary thought as we're already the deadliest members of the guard. perhaps word of our new treaty will spread and our enemies will know to fear us even more. ha, felix will enjoy that thought. i'm enjoying being able to call him "brother" and meaning it as more than just a word. now if he can stay alive long enough for me to fully enjoy it, what with him romancing maggie and siobhan about to kill him... but that's their story so i'll let them tell the world. as for me, i'm back to my blissful life.

Listening to: Ace of Base - Beautiful Life

The green light flashes, the flags go up

2009-04-11T12:23:00.012+02:00

They deftly manuver and muscle for rank
Fuels burning fast on an empty tank
Reckless and wild, they pour through the turns
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern

whenever the volturi get together in large numbers, it inevitably turns into a competition of some sort. this weekend, it's racing. except we've recruited from outside our ranks this time. in order to make it easier on everyone (ok, mainly just me) to remember who's driving what, i've compiled this list. enjoy!

the cars

driver: santiago ruiz, volturi guard
make/model: pagani zonda cintique

driver: corin legard, volturi guard
make/model: aston martin v8 vantage

driver: renata scutto
make/model: ferrari f430 spider

driver: maggie o' flannagáin, irish coven
make/model: lotus elipse

driver: siobhan o' flannagáin, irish coven
make/model: aston martin db9 coupe

driver: mary bethune, nomad/volturi (not racing, but i still wanted to put it up)
make/model: lotus elise

the bikes

driver: maggie o' flannagáin, irish coven
make/model: ducati superbike 1098 r

driver: felix capra, volturi guard
make/model: indian chief deluxe

driver: bethan pyrs, welsh coven
make/model: bmw k1200rs

gentlemen (and ladies) start your engines!

Listening to: Cake - The Distance

just hangin' around then he fell in love

2009-04-08T12:04:00.005+02:00

So he said, "Would it be all right
If we just sat and talked for a little while
If in exchange for your time
I give you this smile?"

So she said, "That's okay
As long as you can make a promise
Not to break my little heart
Or leave me all alone in the summer."

all certainly is golden in my sky right now. i can't seem to remember why i was ever afraid to be in a relationship with santiago. everything has been perfect thus far. i know, somewhere deep inside that this can't last forever, the newness will wear off and then where will we be? he'll probably get bored with me or realize that i'm really not what he wants. it would be so easy for him to crush my heart, he's holding it right in his hand. and yet for some odd reason, i'm perfectly at ease. i'm not scared of him leaving and hurting me, although it is very possible. i'm actually pretty surprised that he's stuck around this long. he's usually the one who bears the brunt of my short temper and i know i'm not the easiest person to live with. oh yes, did i mention he's living with me now? he moved his things back into my place and it's like this is where he's always belonged, right by my side. i feel so foolish for torturing myself the past century, turning down his advances and even having aro send him away on assignment after assignment so that i could escape his flirtations. surely God has forgiven me if i have ever offended Him. why else would He send me someone so perfect, allow me to be so happy? unless it's just to set me up for an even greater fall... no, i must not think such things. i have made santiago wait long enough for me, he will surely be faithful to me now. i have forgiven him for his past affairs with other women. i know he thought i would never agree to have him, so he searched for love elsewhere. yet he always failed to find happiness with those other women, and for that i am eternally grateful. although i used to hope that one day he'd find "the one" in my heart of hearts i always knew it would be me one day.
and now i have so much to make up for. i have barely been able to pull myself away from his side, although i admit we are no where near as bad as corin and mary. but i still find myself gazing longingly out windows when he's gone, searching the roads and the woods for any sign of movement that may signal his return. and when i am the one who must leave our home, i am forever impatiently checking my watch and looking for excuses to return to my love. and yet the hardest moments are those when we are on duty together. it's only happened once so far that we were both called into the throne room but i wasn't able to pay any attention whatsoever to what was happening. it took all my willpower to stop myself from staring into santiago's eyes throughout the entire meeting. aro of course knows of our relationship and he approves, he always prefers his guard to find their mates within our coven if at all possible. but santiago and i both still know our places. i pray that there is no need for combat in the coming months and years as i would be torn if ever had to make the choice between protecting santiago, my heart and aro, my master. i hope that as time advances the fire of my passion will be easier to control so that i will maintain my head during such situations. santiago would never want me to fail in my duties to aro, just as i would never want him to do so. but still. when i am wrapped in his arms or pressing his cool lips to mine i know that i could never stand by helplessly and watch him die. i honestly don't know how chelsea and afton have managed to come to terms with all this. but then again, they've had more time and practice.
and what if santiago were to die? what if i failed him but i succeeded in my duty to aro? would i be able to continue my existence? aro would surely never allow me to die, even broken hearted as i would surely be. yet what on this earth would be left for me? santiago tells me i'm silly and not to worry for such a thing will never come to pass. he's right, i'm sure. i have never seen a fighter quite like him. the closest i could imagine would be jasper hale, since both have a military background. and so i try not to bother dearest santi with my silly worries. and yet at night, as i lay silently in his arms absorbing his love through my skin, my mind wanders to the worst case scenarios. and then envisions scenes that are even worse. i am tormented by these nightmares and yet i cannot wake up from them. they stay with me until the first light of dawn and i hear the world stirring. never in my existence have i been more fearful of the night and the shadow terrors it brings. every night the visions come to me on silent wings as twilight fades and the sky turns to black velvet. even my own personal sun, my heart, my dearest love cannot shine brightly enough to chase them away. and so i endure in silence.

Listening to: Panic! at the Disco - When the Day Met the Night

lovefool

2009-04-06T06:45:00.003+02:00

Reason will not reach a solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

my head is still spinning with the events of the last few days. i'm not completely sure i recognize myself anymore. two days ago i was certain i would continue in this love limbo for the rest of eternity. i couldn't see an end in sight or an answer to my prayers. i was forever lost and forsaken. one day ago i was angry at the whole world. i wanted nothing to do with this love business. i wanted nothing more than to be left alone for the rest of my existence and to never here anyone utter a word about love. i was even ready to beg aro for my own death. i no longer wanted this miserable half-life, never able to completely feel any emotion except anger. i nearly tore my house to pieces in my destructive rage. and then corin sat me down to talk while he was making his new house into a home for his beloved mary. as he worked, i vented and he simply listened. i got out every worry, fear, anger, hurt that i had been feeling. and at the end, when he looked at me, his face showing worry, but lit up from behind with that light of first love, i realized what my problem truly was. i had been using my faith as a shield to hide behind. the true problem was me.
i finally realized that i was afraid. i was afraid of hurting santiago. i was afraid that i'd get close to him only to realize i couldn't ever love him. i was afraid to let someone else into my life. but now i've decided to no longer be afraid. i'm going to jump off the cliff and hope that someone will catch me at the bottom. and now if you'll excuse me, i have someone waiting for me with open arms.

Listening to: The Cardigans - Lovefool

You're banging on a heart of tin

2009-04-02T01:12:00.003+02:00

Say the word forevermore
That's not what I'm looking for
All I can commit to is maybe
So let it be what it'll be
Don't make a fuss and get crazy over you and me
Here's what I do, I play it loose
Not like we have a date with destiny

I'm sorry I've slacked a little on writing a decent blog lately. It's been a bit crazier than usual at my house, if that's possible. After unpacking from our vacation, I got a surprise visitor. A nomad named Mary met Corin over Twitter and decided to come see what Volterra and the Volturi guard were all about. I have loved having her, especially as it's made Corin so happy, but things have gotten a bit chaotic around here. I finally have some quiet time by myself. Corin and Mary have taken off somewhere and Santiago is out for a boys' night with Felix, Demetri, and Afton. So here I sit, curled up in my bed, watching "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" (I love Danny Kaye) and bareing my heart on this blog.
Where to start? I've already told you about the kiss. What I have not told you is about the war raging currently between my head and my heart. I made a vow nearly 400 years ago to foresake the love of man in exchange for a lifetime of servitude and marriage to my God. I have honored that vow every day of my life, both mortal and immortal. Every day until now. Now I am so utterly lost and confused. My heart tells me to follow love and be happy. My head reminds me that I was raised in a time where breaking promises was unforgivable. Somewhere in the middle I wonder if God would forgive me. After all, I have served for the over four normal lifespans. Would I be forgiven if after all this time, I let my heart choose for me? It doesn't make it any easier that this is all so much simpler for Santiago. While we were on vacation, he took some time by himself to think. It seems that during one of those times he had disappeared, he decided that a century was long enough to mourn for a lost love, and that he knows me well enough to see that we would not have a relationship like his parents'. And so the relationship moves forward on his half. He has been so darling about the whole thing, but I just haven't had the time I need to sort this all out. I don't want to end up hurting him, he's already been through so much, but I can't promise my heart just yet. Every time he does something more, like surprising me with a night at the opera, it tugs at my heartstrings and I wish I could give him what he wants. However, as soon as I am alone again, I second guess myself and find myself back where I started. I wish there was someone who could guide me through this decision, who could just tell me what is right. If someone out there can tell me the correct path, please, let me know. Until then I will wait at home for my boys to come back and bring life back into this empty house.

Listening to: Jennifer Paige - Crush

we interrupt your regularly scheduled blog

2009-03-31T09:53:00.003+02:00

dear readers,

kindly go to http://www.dazzleawards2009.webs.com/vote.htm and vote for EdCullen, italyburns and Accident_Prone under "Best Twilight Twitter." i would love you dearly if one of my fellow coven members won. and i will send you virtual cookies. or real cookies if i know you.

xoxo

renata

I'm on a rollercoaster ride

2009-03-30T06:57:00.006+02:00

I don't know why I gave you my heart
Cause sometimes it feels so wrong
But in spite of all this weather
I know why we are together
And I swear right now
That I'm right where I belong

I don't really have much to write about right now. I just wanted to get the pictures up. I'll write more tomorrow as I'm sure you all are waiting to know what San and I will decide. I want to know as well.

Listening to: 3 Doors Down - Right Where I Belong

a sunset couldn't save me now

2009-03-28T08:23:00.002+01:00

You have tamed me
Now you must take me
How am I supposed to be
I don't have my thorns now

Oh mia Italia. Sometimes I forget just how much of a majestic beauty you are. This trip to Piedmont has reminded me of just how incomprehensible is the magnificence of this country. I have greatly enjoyed my first day back to the Alps in quite some time. Santiago and I are staying at the beautiful Kempinski Pragelato Village and have spent every possible moment out in the snow. I had my first snowboarding lesson today and was doing quite well until one human's scent hit me like a ton of bricks and I lost my concentration. Santi had quite the laugh at my expense as I lay face down in the snow. For the rest of the day, I enjoyed taking it easy on some of the less difficult ski runs. San on the other hand, decided to show off for the mortals and had a good sized crowd watching him snowboard by the end of the evening. I shall have to remember to talk to him about blending in while we are not in the comfort of Volterra.
When the sun started to set, we left our equipment at the hotel and went to watch the sunset over Lake Maggiore. It was quite literally breathtaking, even for one who has no breath. I am determined to watch the sunrise tomorrow morning. After the sun had disappeared completely, San and I went for a leisurely walk with the moonlight reflecting on the snow around us. We certainly had a lot to discuss.
For starters, we talked about our own personal histories. We've known some of each others, the basics, but never really the deep details. San knew more about mine, but he's always been very quiet about his past to all of the Volturi. I knew he had grown up in a broken and dysfunctional family. His father was an alcoholic and abusive towards his mother and himself, as well as his younger siblings. And yet his mother loved his father endlessly and couldn't bring herself to leave him. This was the first time the idea of love had left a bitter taste in his mouth. Santiago left his home as soon as possible and joined the Chilean navy. At the age of 23 he was serving aboard the Blanco Encalada when the Chilean Civil War began in 1891. He was one of the handful of crew members to survive when the "Blanco" sank, although just barely. He was taken to a hospital that was sympathetic towards the congressional rebels. There he met a pretty young nurse who helped him regain his strength. When he was healed, he went back to the congressional navy. He wrote to the nurse almost every day. He was sent to La Placilla where the final and decisive battle of the war was to take place. He didn't get her letter informing him that she, too, would be there tending to the wounded on the battle field until it was too late. He later found her body. She had been caught in the crossfire while tending to a wounded rebel soldier. The battle ended and the rebels had won. Santiago had sustained several minor injuries that would not have nearly killed him, had he sought medical attention. As distraught as he was and having no where to go but a broken home, he wandered from town to town until his strength gave out and he laid down to finally die. Fortunately, or unfortunately, however you view it, a nomadic vampire was passing through the same town. Santiago doesn't know who his creator was or why they took pity on him and changed him. He only remembers waking up to discover what he had become and decided to leave his metaphorical heart behind now that his physical heart was no longer beating.
I apologize for the lengthy sidetrack, but I feel it is necesary to understand both of our histories in order to fully comprehend the situation in which we now stand. Santiago has gone nearly 120 years without feeling the need to truly love anyone around him. I, on the other hand, swore to give my life to my God over 400 years ago and have never felt the need to go back on my promise. Neither of us know where we are headed. Was that kiss simply a result of the pressure getting to both of us and the fear of not seeing the other alive again? Are these feelings merely an illusion? The need for two lonely people to find someone to belong to? Or are they genuine? We don't know what to do now. I guess we'll just finish this trip and see where we go.

Listening to: Regina Spektor - Baobabs

Don't say good-bye, just dry your eyes

2009-03-26T06:39:00.003+01:00

Leave me once
Leave me twice
Kiss good-bye that will suffice
When you go away
Don't look back
Leave me once and i'll be fine
Leave me twice i'll make you mine
Just one more chance to make it once again

We were partially correct about our newborn/stalker theory. Maggie and I found out the truth rather unexpectedly last night. While Siobhan and Santiago were in Ireland searching for the trail of our unknown vampire, Maggie came to stay with me in Volterra in hopes that she would be safer. Our plan backfired on us, though. While Siv and San were in the air flying from Ireland to London, Maggie and I found the stalker at my villa. This is what we learned: The stalker's name was Carlos. He was the student that Maggie had once taught. He was created by a vampire by the name of Luis who seemed to have a personal vendetta against the Volturi. Luis and his mate were caught in the crossfire of the newborn wars in Mexico and his mate was killed by Caius. It left him completely shattered and for decades he as lived as a nomad, barely managing to function. He recently found his way to Europe and had an awakening. He decided to create a mass of newborns near to the Volturi in hopes of drawing out Caius and the others so that he could get his revenge. His first creation was Sophia who helped to train and control the newborns. His second creation was Carlos. When Carlos told Luis of Maggie, Luis realized she must be a vampire, and mistakenly believed she was a member of the Volturi. When he went to find her in Ireland, Carlos realized Maggie was not a Volturi, but overheard a telephone conversation with me and realized that he could capture both his beloved and a Volturi in one fell swoop. And so Carlos set about scaring the Irish coven from their home. He guessed correctly when he thought that Siobhan would send Maggie to the safest place imaginable: Volterra. Maggie and I walked right into his trap but he made a grave mistake when he underestimated just how strong my power was. He also was not expecting an experienced fighter. Fool. He was alive long enoug to tell us just what we needed to know. By that time, Siobhan and Santiago had found out what happened and made their way to Italy.
Carlos told us all about Luis's plan to attack Volterra, and just in time. The newborns were to assemble in Sughera just before dawn, only a half hour outside of Volterra. Santiago and Siobhan drove to the France-Spain border to find Luis's hideout and managed to kill him with enough time to make their way back to Sughera while killing any newborns they came across along the way. They managed to come across Corin and Afton on their way. In the meantime, the rest of the guard left in Volterra set out to Sughera in order to attack the newborns before they could attack us. With my powers combined with those of Jane and Alec, we managed to cause confusion and infighting amongst the newborns. Unfortunately not all of them were affected by our powers, and so we had to resort to hand to hand combat. In all the chaos, I lost track of my family and friends. I was unable to shield all of them, and Maggie was left vulnerable to a group of newborns. She was injured, but not too bad. Siobhan made it to her side just in time and began fighting off the newborns single-handedly. Santiago tried to help her but then realized that Liam and Felix had disappeared after some newborns who had run away. Just when we nearly lost Siv, Santiago came back and between the two of them, they finished off the rest. Somehow we managed to survive and not lose a single family member. So we all are back at my place, celebrating and enjoying yet another victory for the Volturi and those who fight on their side. But I must end my recap here as I still need to have a long discussion with Santiago about yesterday's events.

Listening to: All-American Rejects - Don't Leave Me

I used to say get over it

2009-03-25T06:54:00.004+01:00

Since I know you I don't know myself
My lonely soul is longing to be by your side
But day by day I realize that you never will be mine
Why can't you be mine?

Once again, I am left behind. Santiago and Demetri are in the UK picking up the scent of Maggie's stalker. We believe whoever is following her is connected with our newborn creator in Spain, given the messages he has left her, specifically a recording on her iPod saying "Spain is a lovely place this time of year." Even Siobhan has now gotten involved, meeting up with San and Dem to try to pick up the trail of the stalker. While they start in Ireland, Chelsea, Afton, and Corin will begin searching throughout Spain for any newborns who can give us clues about their maker. Based on what we have to go off of, here is what we think has happened: a boy that Maggie once tutored in sculpture has been turned by our newborn creator. While he was still mortal, he developed a crush on Maggie it seems, and now as a vampire has tracked her down. His actions have gone so far that Siobhan has had to move the coven temporarily. I won't reveal their location in order to preserve their safety. This particular newborn, if that is indeed what he is, is part Spanish and would most likely have been in Spain during the time our mysterious creator started his spree. Hopefully San, Dem, and Siv can catch up to the stalker and get some much needed information out of him. After that newborn has been dealt with, Santiago will then join the search in Spain. Siobhan has not yet decided if she will be joining him or not, but will do so when the time comes. Unfortunately Demetri will only be able to point out the trail and then will have to return to Heidi, as he is needed at home. And so I stay in Volterra, waiting by the phone for news of my family.
Yet the worst part of all of this, is the newest development. As San ran out the door to catch his plane, he suddenly grabbed me, and kissed me. Before I could process what was happening, he had run off towards the airport. I only wish he wasn't the faster runner. Now I have to wait until he gets back to make him explain himself.

Listening to: Me & My - You Left Me

Give me hope somehow

2009-03-25T01:29:00.004+01:00

I know you stay true when my world is false
Everything around's breaking down my chaos
I always see you when my sight is lost
Everything around's breaking down my chaos

It appears we are yet again facing another newborn problem, this time close to home. Every few years this happens, last time it was in Seattle where Victoria built her army. This time there is a rampant vampire in Spain. There have been a slew of newborns running uncontrolled around Madrid. Apparently the one we found yesterday is just one of many. We managed to get a small amount of information from him before he had to be destroyed. We know our rogue vampire is a male who appears to be native to Spain, more specifically the Andalusia region given what our newborn could pick up from his accent. It seems his victims are random, chosen by who happens to be nearby when the mood strikes him. The only good news from this episode is that it seems to merely be a vampire amusing himself, and not creating an army. Santiago and I talked at length this evening on how to find the creator and what to do in the meantime. We need to find more of the newborns and try to get what information we can out of them before destroying all of them. But we can't let Madrid remain subject to the terrors of these newborns. I believe that a number of the guard will be sent to Spain to investigate, most likely including Santiago, Demetri, Corin, Afton, and Chelsea. Chelsea will be invaluable if she can manage to make the newborns feel more comfortable around the guard so that they will come back to Volterra to be interrogated. Once enough information is gained about our culprit, Demetri will then be able to track him. I, of course, will stay home, as always. Together with Alec, Jane, and Felix we will guard Volterra in case this vampire decides to leave Spain and travel closer to Italy. And so the guard prepares to fight once more and to bring some semblance of order back to this chaotic, secret world of ours.

Listening to: Mute Math - Chaos

What makes you think I’ll leave you?

2009-03-24T05:17:00.005+01:00

When you see me, I will save you; I will pull you out,
When believing looks deceiving, I won’t let you down,
Nobody wants you when you’re gone,
And everything is leaving,
I’ve seen everything, you’ve ever done, you’ll ever be don’t run away,
I came to save you,
Always been the way, follow me I’ll lead you home

I know it's such a mortal cliche but I really do despise Mondays. After a weekend filled with tourists and "business," there's so much to take care of on Monday. It didn't help any that I took my own dear, sweet time getting ready this morning and ended up being late for duty. I think I'm the only vampire in the world who can't seem to be on time to save her unlife. When I ran into the throne room 15 minutes late, I could tell Aro was already upset with me. However, there were more pressing matters to attend to so he saved the lecture for later. Besides the usual eye rolls, smirks, and disapproving looks, I noticed a strange vampire whom I had never seen before. From the way his crimson eyes darted wildly around the room and how Felix and Afton stood on either side of him, posed as if to strike at any moment, I could tell he was a newborn. After I had taken my normal place behind Aro, Caius, and Marcus, the discussion continued. He had been found in Spain, wreaking havoc in Madrid. Aro gave the same speech he gave every time we dealt with an unruly newborn, about secrecy and the need to blend in. To my left I could tell Santiago was trying to pick up on any special talents that this newborn had. After I determined that my services would not be needed during this interview, I let my mind wander. I stared out one of the windows and listened closely to the sounds drifting up from the street below. I listened to a group of children playing a game of football out on the piazza. I heard a wife arguing with her husband, complaining how he had come home late smelling of alcohol and other women. I heard two young lovers speaking in hushed tones of their future plans. I was just beginning to listen as a mother taught her child to say her alphabet when a flash of movement swiftly brought me back to the throne room. The newborn was running from between Felix and Afton and headed straight for Aro. I almost didn't react quickly enough. I felt the pull of Santiago's own powers as he prepared to shield should I fail. I managed to regain my senses fast enough, but just barely. It took me less than half a second to take in the scene and shield my master, but the newborn had gotten much too close for anyone's comfort. He was diverted less than a foot away from Aro. As soon as the newborn was distracted and suddenly trying to remember what he was doing, the male guard members descended upon him. The Volturi do not tolerate attacks on those who we serve. After the newborn had been dealt with, we were excused for the day. It seems that in light of my saving him, Aro decided to ignore my tardiness. As I exited the throne room and headed down to the tunnels to exit the city limits unseen, someone grabbed me by the wrist. Before I turned around, I knew it was Santiago, I could tell by his scent. I saw the question in his eyes before he spoke it. "What happened Ren?" he demanded. "Where was your head?" I could have played ignorant. I could have acted as if I had the situation entirely under my control. But he knows me better than that. So instead I told him the truth. I told him that I had once again been daydreaming, as I do almost every time I am called to guard Aro. I told him that I had gotten lost in listening to the sounds of normal life, of life that I was deprived of, that we both had been deprived of. I told him that I, the shield, had let my guard down. He looked at me with disbelief in his eyes as he dropped my hand. I turned and continue walking, no, running away from Volterra, away from my near fatal mistake, away from a too close save. No one followed me.

Listening to: Exit East - I Will Save You

Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse

2009-03-21T11:38:00.010+01:00

We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

I have accumulated my fair share of scars over the years, both physical and emotional. I think it is a good thing to retain these scars, however. They remind me of what I have been through, and that I have survived. Whenever life hands me more than I think I can handle, I simply look at those scars and remember how much I have gotten through. I was there when the newborns in Mexico were destroyed by the Volturi. My strength was failing me and one particularly strong newborn who saw I was the key to getting to Aro got a bit too close. Luckily I escaped with only a scar and Aro remained untouched. I was also there when we dealt with the immortal children. That experience left me with both physical and emotional scars. It was heartbreaking to see those precious children destroyed and yet I knew we had no other options. I had the unpleasant task of carrying one of those children to its funeral pyre while Felix and Corin held back its creator. I was so lost in the beautiful crimson eyes of that child, that I almost didn't feel it when he bit me. I did not have the heart to try and block the boy and so I let him try to fight back until he was destroyed by the flames. I have a new scar, too, that I acquired just this week, courtesy of Felix. But there have been many other experiences that have left their mark on me. Sometimes I stand in front of a mirror for hours, counting and remembering the experiences that gave them to me. It helps me to remember who I am and what I stand for. I may complain about the Volturi but I know we are necessary. Without us, the vampire community would fall into chaos. Mortal lives would be needlessly shed. The world would see a reign of terror unknown before. Some may hate us for it, but in a way we save the lives of more mortals than we would ever kill. Governments are always necessary, even when those they govern disagree with their methods or their policies. Since I have chosen (or was forced) to align myself with this governing body, I have the duty, the curse, and the blessing to ensure that order is kept in our world. And so my line of work and my decisions have left my body marked with memories of my past. When we make the rest of the world forget us and what we have done, I will always have my own personal reminders. I will never be allowed to forget my past. No matter where I go or what choices I make, these scars will always be there telling the story of who I was and what I have done.

Listening to: Rise Against - Swing Life Away

I'll try not to sing out of key

2009-03-20T10:38:00.006+01:00

What do I do when my love is away
Does it worry you to be alone
How do you feel by the end of the day
Are you sad because you're on your own

No, I get by with a little help from my friends

Yesterday was St. Marcus's Day, which meant all of Volterra turned out to celebrate, along with quite a few foreigners. Along with many foreign mortals, foreign vampires also came to our city to celebrate. My friend Siobhan from the Irish coven, along with her mate, Liam, and Maggie, came for a visit during this time. I was lucky enough to have the night off of guard duties. I stayed in the Volterra city limits, so Santiago was able to use his mimicking abilities to become a temporary shield. And so I spent the evening with a dear friend, acting like teenagers instead of the centuries old women that we are. Siobhan and I have only recently become friends, but already I notice a kinship in her that I have never managed to find in the Volturi. I have become close to almost all of my fellow Volterians, however I seem unable to connect with them on a basic level. For some reason, from the first moment Siobhan and I have talked, these barriers have been non-existant. True, Siobhan and I have been on opposite sides most of our lives. She even stood against the Volturi with the Cullens and the rest of their friends. Luckily the situation never escalated to the point where we had to fight against each other, even if I'm still not sure what choices I would have made had a fight been necessary. But besides all this, perhaps even in spite of all this, Siobhan has gotten to know me for who I truly am. And having a true and sincere friend has brought out a part of myself that I have not seen in centuries, if I had ever truly let it out. I think the rest of the guard has been taken aback at the change they've seen in me the past few days. I know that Santiago has told me more than once that it's like I'm a completely different person, especially considering the low point I hit a few days ago. I guess this is just one more lesson I've learned again and again over the years. Time will always heal your wounds, whether physical or mental. Of course, it helps to have some amazing friends to speed up the healing process.

Listening to: Beatles - A Little Help From My Friends

I've wished my emotions would just give in

2009-03-19T06:56:00.006+01:00

Like anyone I've learned to play like I'm blind
I've learned to believe I'll always get by
Life moves on or so I'm told
Life moves on when you're gone.

if there's one thing i've learned in all my years, it's that life goes on. life will always move on, whether you want it to or not. life waits for no man or woman, whether mortal or immortal. and so we all must make the choice to move with it or fight the losing war and try to remain in the past. i have chosen to move on. and so i'm turning my villa, my little sanctuary, my little piece of heaven, into a home. between furnishing my home and decorating for the festivities that will take place for st. marcus's day, i have been kept busy enough that i have not been able to dwell on the past. this is always the best way for me to heal. if i'm left alone with idle hands i will only spiral further into my depression. i am also lucky enough to have an amazing family surrounding me. my dear heidi has returned home, and demetri has stood by me since the beginning. jane and alec have shown their support, in their own special way, which resulted in felix being dyed green for the better part of a day. chelsea and afton as well have been so dear to me. and santiago, who has volunteered to help me turn this bare set of walls into a suitable home. he even brought me a housewarming gift in the form of the cat pictured above. santi knows i have a tendency to get lonely quickly, even when i don't want the companionship of people. luckily the scent of its blood does not appeal to me at all, although i must take care when having others around. i have named him erwin, in honor of erwin schrodinger. if you have to ask what the irony in this is, you wouldn't understand. i also plan to keep him far away from alec and jane as i do not want a vampire cat. but that is beside the point. i suppose that my point is, that this is my path in life. whether or not it was the right decision to make, i do not know. what i do know is that i must make the best with what i have chosen. the first part of making the best of all of this is making my own place in the chaos that surrounds me. and so i go back to sitting in my newly decorated living room, having a drink (you most likely don't want to know of what), and watching audrey hepburn movies with a dear friend.

Listening to: Blacklisted - Life Moves On

like a lifeless little pawn

2009-03-18T03:49:00.005+01:00

Or you can have it all
Everything you crave
Money, pleasure wrapped in leather
Fortune and fame

Sell your soul!

one thing to be said for aro, he certainly knows how to make up with those he's hurt. this evening i walked into my room to find a small box all wrapped up in the center of my bed. inside? two sets of keys. one goes to the shiny new ferrari f430 spider, volturi black of course, currently parked in the garage along with the rest of my family's italian sports cars (we have a hard time blending in). the second key was to the only thing that could possibly make me ever forgive aro. it seems as though he's come to accept that the only way to keep me satisfied is to loosen the leash a little. and so i finally have that which every other member of my coven has had for centuries: my own home. it's a beautiful villa with a vineyard in monteriggioni. it is obviously close enough to volterra that i can be there in under 20 minutes, but far enough away that i can finally have some peace and some time by myself. the one condition aro did put upon these gifts is a pager that only he knows the number to and that i must always respond to, no matter the time of day or night. and yet, as i sit in my new studio, looking out over the gorgeous toscana countryside, i wonder if what i have given in exchange for these gifts was worth it. by accepting these things from aro, i have indebted myself to him and am now more tied to him than ever before. but who knows? perhaps with time and a bit of distance i will once again regain the peace of mind that i have lost. until then, i will enjoy this little piece of paradise. i think i'm going to start ordering furniture to be brought in, after a quick visit to my new, private chapel. yes, i think i may very well find myself here.

Listening to: The Creepshow - Sell Your Soul

Had some stars in her eyes, thought she would have it all

2009-03-17T10:57:00.006+01:00

The beauty queen and the wallflower
Feel the same in their darkest hours
All watch as the crown of jewels
Falls from the old guard tower

Apparently my life is back to normal. Or whatever version of normal this life mimics, anyway. I received my daily summons at the usual time. As I wander the halls and corridors, however, I see the looks coming from those I count as my family and dearest friends. Most of them look on me with pity, some contempt, and yet others still give me smug smiles. I guess I had this coming. I've known since the beginning what I was to Aro. I was the crowning jewel in his collection of oddities. I was the last line of defense, I was the one who would stand when others had fallen, I was the one who would never waver. I knew all of this and I reveled in every moment of my favored status. I know the favoritism that Aro showed me irked and confused more than one member of the Volturi, but eventually they all moved past it. I have always been very possessive of my position but I never had a need to defend it. Now I finally understand why that is. It's true, that as the most precious I am given the most attention, but when one is constantly at the center of attention, one most never show the slightest defect. Just like a jewel atop a queen's head I was daily examined by Aro for any signs that I might be unhappy, that I might leave, that I might betray him. His worries always came to naught, until recently. Imagine, going over 400 years without ever having that rebellious streak so characteristic of teenagers now. And now I am rebelling with a vengeance. I'm sure Aro is at a loss with what to do with me. I am at a loss to explain myself. In all of my mortal and immortal existence I have always been the good child, the obedient one, the one always willing to do as her parents and her God commanded. And now I can barely control my own thoughts, let alone have anyone else tell me what to think. I was raised so high and now the fall has almost killed me.
Perhaps I was wrong about all of it. Perhaps there is nothing more past this life. Perhaps there is no greater plan for me. Or maybe that plan included me living a normal, human life and dying as a human, but with the Volturi's intervention that plan has been obliterated. I remember fondly the conversations I once had with Carlisle during his brief stay with us. He, too, came from a background steeped in the faith of his fathers. He is truly the only who has ever truly understood the moral dilemma I face on a daily basis. As a daughter, I was taught to honor my father and mother, and yet I was also taught not to take the life of another human. Yet now in order to obey my father, I must take lives, I must shed blood, and in order to survive I must drink that innocent blood. And now I stand at a crossroads. One path will take me to freedom and disobedience, the other leads to bondage and family. How can anyone make such a choice?

Listening to: Bruce Hornsby - Crown of Jewels

i wish you could heal me

2009-03-16T23:43:00.004+01:00

she wakes up, rage and grace
pulling me closer, pushing away
and me, the sharpest thorn on your vine
twisting and turning, we're all intertwined

i said there would be hell to pay. and i was right. oh how i wish i had been wrong. it started early this morning, before the sun had risen. i had taken a red-eye back to italy and had managed to get back into the safetey of the palazzo del priori before the sun could reveal me for what i am. it was quiet but then it usually is quiet in the palazzo while the sun is hidden, for that's when my brothers and sisters go out and play. still, there was an eerie sort of silence blanketing my home. as i walked through the castle, luggage in tow, i passed through the throne room on the way to my wing. and there i found aro, with jane and felix by his side. i immediately noticed several things odd with this arrangement, as i dropped my suitcases and ran to pay my respects to my master. firstly, jane and felix would never opt to be alone in the same room together as they have a mutual hatred for each other. secondly, a situation that required the two most dangerous members of our coven would surely require the presences of caius and marcus as well. and lastly, if there was a situation in which aro felt the need to be protected, i, too, would have been notified.
as i greeted each of them with a nod of the head, i noticed then what i had missed before. i saw the conflict raging in jane's eyes, i saw the barely concealed smirk on felix's face, and i saw the false pity on aro's. i had seen that expression on aro many times, but never directed at me. it was usually the look he wore when deciding that a particular newborn was too difficult to continue to exist. i immediately recognized what was happening here. i raised my head, pushed my shoulders back, and waited for the inevitable. as aro began speaking, i tuned him out and instead concentrated on my foster sister. i heard aro saying something about felix and jane worrying about me, needing to be reminded of where i belong and who i am, something more about how much this pained him. but i didn't hear much. as misunderstood as jane could be, i loved her dearly. she and alec were like my own sisters and brothers that i had lost so long ago. jane reminds me so much of caprice and alec has the same disposition as giovanni. despite the fact that they have technically seen more years than i have, i lived more of mine as a mortal, and so i am like an older sister to them. therefore it pained me to watch my baby sister agonizing over what was to come next. i knew what her choice would ultimately be. all the volturi would make the same choice in the end. and so i decided to spare her what misery i could.
i heard aro saying something about leaving the three of us alone to "talk" and then he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. felix no longer bothered to conceal his grin. he waited for jane to make her move, for he wouldn't be able to get anywhere near me without me first rendered helpless by jane's power. i saw jane glance from me to the door that aro had exited from and back to me. in that second that she hesitated, i seized my opportunity. i had felt jane's power before, when i was a newborn, so i knew fairly well how to act. as i dropped to the floor in pretend pain, i saw the shock cross jane's face, and then understanding, and lastly gratefulness. it surprised me how little time felix wasted once he decided i could no longer block him. it took every ounce of self control i had to continue writhing as if in pain and refrain my natural reflex to shield myself. it felt like hours later that felix finally left, although i'm sure it was only minutes. he has a notoriously short attention span, and it's worsened when his prey does not fight back.
somehow i was still intact, although just barely. i lay facedown on the cold stone floor until i felt myself mentally and physically ready to move. i picked myself up, grabbed my suitcases, and started walking towards my favorite turret. as i climbed the stairs, i heard a set of dainty footsteps behind me. i spun around, automatically on the defensive, until i saw my dear jane. if i have a heart, it was surely broken at the sight of her crestfallen face. i saw the apology written in her eyes, and the anguish that had racked her small body. i gave her a small smile, cupped her face in my hands, kissed her on the forehead and told her "there is nothing for me to forgive. remove this burden from your shoulders." she smiled back at me and continued to follow as i found my way back to the corner of the palazzo that is my sanctuary. here i sit typing this, with my dear little sister watching me faithfully. and so i have learned firsthand that which i always knew. there is a good reason why so few people have ever wanted to leave the volturi, and even fewer have managed to do so successfully.

Listening to: Offspring - Fix You

let me tell you a secret

2009-03-16T11:18:00.010+01:00

Let me tell ya 'bout what I've been seeing
It's the window to the world
Let me tell you 'bout the secret
I've been keeping
Said the oyster to the pearl
Are you sorry?
No not me
And tell me why should I be

i have realized that i never properly introduced myself. here is a short bio all about

RENATA MARIA SCUTTO

xx just the facts xx

*.name: Renata Maria Scutto (pronounced "skoo-toe")
*.nicknames: Ren, Reni (only called by Felix, which annoys her), Sister Renata (also called by Felix when mocking her faith)
*.age & birthday: 404 years young, born in 1605, most likely in may, she celebrates it when the white lilies bloom.
*.grade: n/a
*.occupation: Volturi guard
*.money in the bank?: upper class
*.race: Carnivorous vampire
*.appearance: Renata typically sports long, brown, wavy hair although she has been known to dye it on occasion. She will very rarely get the urge to actually dress up. When she does, she will normally straighten her otherwise unruly waves. She also prefers comfy, if unstylish, clothing to the flashy items most the Volturi women favor. She sports the characteristic red eyes of the Volturi although at one time they were hazel. Stands short at 5’1” and fit but not too thin. She usually wears a cross around her neck, although it irritates Aro so she often hides it under her clothing.

xx the beauty behind the face xx

*.likes: reading, watching the sun rise, rainy days in Volterra, a clean room, Audrey Hepburn movies, Little Women, learning new languages, Debussy and Tchaikovsky, going to the ballet, a day all to herself.
*.dislikes: Isabella Swan, being made fun of, not having time to herself, Jim Carey movies, being forced to stay inside due to the sun, Aro’s overdependence on her, Felix when he’s in one of his “moods,” rude people, being yelled at, when people borrow her shoes and never return them.
*.fears: being replaced, losing her faith, losing the love of her family
*.habits: practicing Catholicism, also shows obsessive compulsive tendencies.
*.strengths: Her loyalty, protectiveness, intellectual prowess, excellent stalker due to how quiet she can be.
*.weakness: insecurity, introversion, inability to relate to others in her coven, most likely the physically weakest of the Volturi
*.goals: tRid the world of as much evil as she can, become canonized as a Saint, get a PhD in chemistry, ensure that Isabella Swan does not become a member of the Volturi.
*.secret(s): Renata sometimes feels trapped by her obligation to Aro, especially when he restricts her freedom. As a result of these restrictions, she is the least educated of the Volturi and longs to be able to attend a real university.
*.personality:
x unlike her fellow coven members, Renata does not enjoy violence. She will avoid it at all costs and is frequently heard saying “I am a shield, not a spear.”
x although she is extremely devoted to and loving toward her Volturi family, she remains unable to get particularly close to any one member. The rest of the coven view her as a mystery.
x she still actively practices Roman Catholicism, even including Lent. During the Lenten season, she gives up human blood in exchange for that of animals. She also performs several acts of charity for the homeless who live in Volterra. This has caused much confusion and ridicule in the Volturi household. She also still partakes in the communion rite, although she does not find the bread or wine appetizing.
x she spends a good deal of her free time by herself. She really only interacts with other family members during meals or when Aro requests her presence. The rest of the time she hides away in her favorite northeast turret of the Palazzo del Priori.
x during one of these times that she was alone, she was trying to decide which one mortal throughout history she would change, if she could do so without anyone taking notice. After several hours of inner debate and many lists of pros and cons later, she settled on Jane Austen.
x Renata has a very different personality than most of the Volturi women. She is actually quite frugal with her money, although there is no need for it. She owns very few pieces of clothing and instead has a large collection of stuffed animals. In one respect she is similar to the other women, and that is her weakness for fine Italian leather shoes.
x Renata finds it most difficult to get along with Felix as they are complete opposites. They have somewhat of a joking feud between them where Felix is determined to prove that he is physically superior but Renata shields him every time he comes near and he forgets what he was doing.
x although she is not sure if it is possible or not, Renata believes she has obsessive compulsive disorder. She spends her sleepless nights wandering the castle and cleaning up after her family members. She believes this stems from the fact that she was practically the maid in her human household.
x even after 400 years, Renata is still struggling to completely come to terms with who and what she is. This struggle has become all the more difficult after seeing how well Carlisle’s coven is doing. She has started to question what she has accepted for centuries.
x the part of her personality the Volturi find most confusing is that of her seeming asexuality. Renata was prepared to live a life of abstinence as a mortal and has felt no need to change that as an immortal. Although she does wish for the love she sees between others, such as Aro and Sulpicia, she is quite content for now with her lifestyle.

xx love me, leave me xx

*.sexuality:undiscovered; she tends to live as if she were indeed a nun
*.turn ons: unknown
*.turn offs: unknown

xx memories xx

*.mother: Giorgetta (1590 – 1647)
*.father: Fedele (1574 – 1631)
*.siblings:
x Luzio (1602 – 1668)
x Raffaele (1603 – 1604)
x Felice (1607 – 1635)
x Giovanni (1608 – 1675)
x Caprice (1612 – 1674)
*.other relatives: multiple nieces and nephews whom she never saw again after being turned.
*.vampire mother: Sulpicia
*.vampire father: Aro
*.pets:occasionally a betta fish
*.hometown: Montaperti, Italy
*.current residence: Volterra, Italy
*.history: Renata was born and raised in the small town of Montaperti to a poor, Roman Catholic family. Her father was a blacksmith who claimed to descend from Roman shield bearers who served under Caesar, hence the name “Scutto” or “shield.” Growing up as the eldest daughter, Renata was expected to care for her younger siblings, and even her older brother at times. Her mother and father both greatly favored Luzio, especially after the death of Raffaele and Renata was generally overlooked.
At age 23, Renata had still not had any promising marriage offers. Given that she was not a great beauty, her parents knew she would need a large dowry which they did not have the money for. Instead, they sent her to a convent in Montebradoni. This was suitable to her personality as Renata had always been very religious. She believed that she had a special calling from God. Although she was hesitant to leave her younger brothers and sisters, of whom she had always been very protective, she accepted it as God’s will that she live her life as a nun.
Due to a plague outbreak the year before, the Volturi were forced to leave the safety of Volterra and search for food elsewhere. While on her way to the convent, Renata had to stop for the night at an inn. Eleazar had posed as the widowed innkeeper with Alec and Jane as his children. He was able to sense some sort of power within Renata but was unsure of what it was. After falling asleep that night, the next time Renata gained consciousness it was to see the smiling face of Aro. She had just gone through the torture of the transformation and was now a full vampire. From that point on, she saw Aro as the savior who had rescued her from the pain and suffering of the change. She became so attached to him that even after she knew that this was not true, she still remained by his side and defended him from every danger. She still reveres him as if he is a god.
Although the idea of killing people did not appeal to Renata, she did not know of any other way to live. She began to see it as her calling from God finally fulfilled. She was given the opportunity to rid the world of evil humans and make sure the good ones lived forever. She sees her transformation as the will of God and still practices the Roman Catholic faith.

and now you know, my soul laid bare, make of it what you will, love me if you dare.

Listening to: The Black Crowes - Then She Said My Name

i know i should step away, turn around

2009-03-16T01:00:00.008+01:00

'Cause I know how it feels
All the pain is so real
'Cause you sink and you drown
'Till your feet hit the ground
Running

this morning i watched the sunrise at the edge of the world. it actually turned out to just be cabo san lucas, but it was still a nice sentiment. after a day with my extended family, which turned out to be many of the volturi, the cullens, quite a few nomads, werewolves, and even some humans, i needed some time by myself. as much as i love all of them, i tend to go a little bit insane when surrounded by so many people. and so i took off down the coast, driving until i ran out of gas and then running until i reached somewhere surrounded by water. i have quite enjoyed this taste of freedom. i know there will be hell to pay as soon as i return to italy, but until then i shall savor every single moment.
so what was i thinking of as i watched the sun come up over the water? mainly nothing. i was just giving my mind, body and soul a chance to rest and prepare for the onslaught of people and activity that is sure to be waiting for me back home. the little i did think about involved that which i try at all costs to avoid. it comes down to this: i love my family with all my heart but i have gone over 400 years without a soulmate, a kindred spirit. being around the cullens and their friends is always trying for me. esme and carlisle, rosalie and emmett, jasper and alice, edward and bella, even little renesmee has jacob. my loneliness is really my own fault, however. i have always let it be widely known that i am not interested in a romantic relationship. as a mortal i made the choice to forsake the love of mortal men. my husband was to be my God. but i made a different sort of change so i never made that commitment. my commitment is now to the volturi. my spouse is my duty to them. yet none of the other volturi have felt compelled to live this life of abstinence. i'm fairly certain heidi has seduced more than enough men for the both of us. felix, too, has been known to "play" with his food. so why did i make this choice? in all honesty, i do not know. and so my running and my search for answers will continue.

Listening to: Evermore - Running

take this longing from my tongue

2009-03-15T01:13:00.008+01:00

Just take this longing from my tongue
all the lonely things my hands have done.
Let me see your beauty broken down
like you would do for one you love.

the cullens. what an extraordinary set of people. the volturi, myself included, paid a visit to them this weekend. the last time i have seen them the circumstances were much different and much less pleasant. that was also the first time i had been in forks. and the first time i had seen isabella since she "rescued" edward from us in italy. bella has always been and will always be a threat to me. i was there the first time aro met her. i saw the look on his face when he realized jane could not touch her. and even without his gift of reading minds, i saw what he was thinking. no longer would i be the chosen one, the precious one, the needed one. if bella were to ever join our ranks, my position would be shared, if not dramatically decreased. aro has always had the muscle to back up his rulings. i am simply the safety net. he has never had the mental security however, that bella possesses. i have no doubt that he would trade the two of us if ever given the chance. despite all this, i do not hate bella. at one time i did, but now i wonder if it would be so bad to be less needed, less wanted. i hope isabella realizes how wonderfully lucky she is, what an amazing family she has, both mortal and immortal.
i have nearly forgotten what that kind of family is like, although i'm not sure my mortal family was ever a true family. we seemed to be more like a group of people who just happened to get along well enough to live together and help each other out. and so i find a bitter taste in mouth, one that i have not known before. it is envy. this is my confession. i long for that which the cullens share, that which i have never known, that which i may never have.

Listening to: Leonard Cohen - Take This Longing

go it alone, hold it along

2009-03-14T12:11:00.014+01:00

My mind is racing
As it always will
My hand is tired, my heart aches
I'm half a world away here
My head sworn
To go it alone
And hold it along

i find it hardest to be at rest those last few hours of night right before the sun rises. while the rest of my family is out amusing themselves with their various games and activities i lie on the queen size bed, stare at the ceiling, and make lists. i don't know why, but sometime over the past 400 years i discovered that making lists keeps my mind at ease. call me strange, call me obsessive, call me whatever you like, it's all true. tonight however, the thoughts will not align themselves as they should. there is no common link and yet they are all the same. the same things as always but totally different than ever before. and so my beloved pastime of list-making has failed me. if i had someone to whom i could turn to, i would. but i have no such option and so i am stuck hiding behind the mask of anonymity that is the internet, hoping to find a kindred spirit somewhere out there. and now the sun is rising, the day has begun, and i am called away from my reverie into the world of chaos and crowds.

Listening to: R.E.M. - Half a World Away